Look, there’s going to be a lot of analyzing the Phillies vs. Braves NLDS matchup. You can check any of those pieces out. They’ll tell you everything about the WAR, BABIP, and wRC+ stats you MUST KNOW before making your official series prediction.

Let me tell you a little something about those pieces. They’re meaningless.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is all you need to read to know everything about the series and why IT’S ALL going the Phillies way. This is science, people, this is about the facts and not the opinions. What you read here may shock you, but it’s the complete truth about the NLDS.

Here are the scientific factors we must consider moving into the weekend’s playoff matchup to consider who will ultimately triumph.

The Fanbases

Atlanta: Excuses at the ready

Philadelphia: Drunk

Oh my goodness, the STINK of anxiety reeks among the Atlanta faithful. You’d think the fanbase of a 104-win team, a team that was undoubtedly the best in all of baseball, would be just a little more confident against the 90-win Phillies.

You would be wrong.

The excuses for the Braves losing to the Phillies are ALREADY rolling in through social media. WAHHHHH why doesn’t baseball reseed for the playoffs? WAHHHH why do the Braves have to play the Phillies instead of the Diamondbacks?!

Odd… didn’t hear a lot of reseeding chatter last year from the Atlanta faithful when the #2 seed Braves got to face the lowest seeded remaining team (the #6 seed Phillies) in the NLDS. Where was all this talk about fairness last year?

The excuses from Braves fans are flowing like dozens of hushpuppies into Chipper Jones’ chubby maw.

Phillies fans? I don’t think they’ve stopped drinking since Tuesday and I’m not entirely sure there’s any end in sight. Everything is gravy right now. Shots and parties for days, no pearl clutching, no excuses. Seems more fun to me.

Dumb and Potentially Troublesome Fan Chants

Atlanta: One

Philadelphia: Zero

How is the “Tomahawk Chop” still a thing? And why is it something that a fanbase takes apparent GREAT PRIDE IN? Let’s put aside the potentially troublesome nature of thousands of fans chanting a sing-songy Native American ditty and really focus in on how fucking idiotic this all really is.

Instead of the natural buzz and energy of a crowd you’re replacing it with a synchronized chant of fans pretending to be what? Native American warriors? Huh? What are we doing here? I’d say we’ll look back at these videos of Braves fans in 30 years and cringe, but you can pretty much already do that now. It’s been going on for DECADES and Atlanta mouth-breathers see no problem with it.

Take a look at the video of the Bryson Stott’s Game 2 grand slam. You tell me, what would be better? The natural fervor of the crowd? Or thousands of morons doing a “Tomahawk Chop” as he rounds the bases?

Lineups

Atlanta: Scary good

Philadelphia: Loose as a goose

The Braves lineup is unbelievable. Top to bottom it’s easily one of the best, if not the best, in all of baseball. Ronald Acuna will win the MVP hands down. Matt Olson hit 54 home runs. Seven of their regulars hit 20 or more home runs on the year.

HACHI MACHI.

But the Phillies? The Phillies are coming into this series with hardly ANY pressure. They didn’t win 104 games, they’re not heavily favored… but they also aren’t facing the IMMENSE pressure to not crumble yet again and waste another 100+ win regular season.

They’ve been marching along for the last month, winning games, winning BIG GAMES, and not having any chance to get rusty.

The Braves haven’t played a meaningful game in weeks. HMMMMM… hope they don’t get off to a slow start! I’m sure they won’t though, it’s never happened to the Braves. Easy peasy.

Vibes

Atlanta: Tense

Philadelphia: Immaculate

As we mentioned, the Braves haven’t played a meaningful game in weeks. To help stave off any rust the team has held SIMULATED GAMES in front of its own fans in preparation of the NLDS. Simulated games in front of your own fans isn’t preparing you for jack shit. It’s like taking a practice test and having the answers right next to you. You’re just going through the motions! You’re getting nothing out of it. Wow gang, the fans love us! This is going to be a real breeze.

If the Braves really wanted to help prepare themselves for what it will be like to play the Phillies they should have played a simulated game in front of 40,000 rabid dogs. Sure, they’re tethered to the seats, but they’re loud and some of those leashes could be frayed. You never know! Better to insert just a little bit of uncertainty and danger into the proceedings to help you get ready… would do more than Atlanta fans cheering politely and doing the “Tomahawk Chop.”

The Phillies? They’re probably on their 12th sing-a-long of Dixieland Delight on the day and calling out Topper for getting caught sneaking a fat lipper on live television. No pressure. No simulated games. Nothing but gravy from here on out.

Mascot Probability of Being at January 6th Insurrection

Atlanta: Very high

Philadelphia: Extraordinarily low

I mean, come on. Take a look at Blooper, the Atlanta Braves “mascot.” You telling me you couldn’t see him running through the Capital on Jan. 6 waving an American flag?

If Blooper could talk he would have warned you to turn off your cell phone on Oct. 4 during the national emergency alert test because “that’s how they get ya.”

God, Blooper sucks.

Conclusions

You’ve seen the statistics, now you’ve seen the science. Everything is backing the Phillies. We’ve run the numbers, we’ve done our analysis, and it’s very difficult to pick the Braves under any of these circumstances.

It’s just science, gang. Don’t take it personal.

Now someone beer me. I’ve catching up to do.