There are things in this world that should never be mixed. Ammonia and bleach. Liquor and beer. Fish and cheese.

It’s time to add one more pairing to that list, gang, as the WORST social event of the Philadelphia calendar is taking place during one of the most insufferable years we all have to slog through in this grand country of ours.

Yes, folks, Philadelphia’s Diner en Blanc is BACK…and this time it’s being held during an ELECTION YEAR. May god have mercy on all our souls.

I’ve been warning all of you about the dangers of Diner en Blanc for the past four years, and nobody seems to understand what we’re facing here. The mass pretentiousness from this one event could plunge the city into alarming territory. A horde of pompous, clammy blowhards dressed all in white toasting each other for their “fine taste” as they stuff pommes frites down their gullets, gridlocking this wonderful city of regular joes who just want to get home from work and huff glue in peace.

It’s a powder keg of arrogance threatening to go off at any moment, to cover this city in a thick ash of overly simplistic platitudes about politics, life, and the best beanies to cover up middle-aged bald spots.


Ahh but nobody ever listens, do they? I’ve been writing this column since 2019 and Diner en Blanc isn’t going anywhere. I’m like Apollo Creed landing haymaker after haymaker, only for Diner en Blanc to just not STAY DOWN, getting up time and time again, urging me on to keep swinging because it’s not going to make a difference.

The dampest event in Philadelphia isn’t going anywhere.

Thousands tonight will flock to a “historic” Philadelphia back alley where Ben Franklin once drunkenly fist fought Thomas Paine over a prostitute to enjoy a bottle of warm Spumante champagne and a handful of nuts they bought in the “ethnic” aisle at Wegmans. They’ll talk politics amidst the thick, pungent aroma of un-ironic handlebar mustache wax while eating store-bought onion jam and goat cheese rugelach that’s been marinating in leaking dumpster juice for the last two hours.

Close your eyes; you can picture it, can’t you? A guy named Atticus with mutton chop sideburns passing off as his own an anecdote he heard on Tik Tok about Joe Biden to a girl named Willow, who titters at the story despite not knowing Biden has long dropped out of the race, unaware that she currently has a tape worm burrowing into her large intestines after eating rancid ceviche she bought from a Market Street bodega.

What mirth!

A quick reminder for the uninitiated –

Diner en Blanc is a “high class” social event invented by the French in 1988 as a way to make smoking in public socially acceptable for at least one night. You know the rest at this point…everyone dresses in white, lugs their own food and drink to an unnamed location in the city to ensure they’re covered in a thin sheen of grime before everything begins, and then desperately try to convince themselves that they’re NOT falling for yet another cult when someone passes them a cup of “kool-aid” at the end of the dinner with the promise of moving on to the next realm.

And what does the event benefit? Why, nothing of course! I’ve been told that there’s SOME charitable functionality of Diner en Blanc, but lord knows I’ve never seen it. Is the charitable portion of Diner en Blanc HERE in the room with us? There’s no mention of charity or anything it supports outside of funneling the money back to France to keep them flush in berets and Jerry Lewis film festivals.

Good news, though! I hear for this year’s event the French founders are sending over a few boxes of chocolate nut logs left over from the Seine River for all to enjoy. How generous!

For years the event also specifically included the following on its website to deny ANYONE hoping to dedicate the event to something worthwhile. You want to raise some money to help repair our shoddy roads or do something for the kids? Get the FUCK out of here with that bullshit and go back to enjoying your tepid ACME-bought bruschetta on Ritz crackers:

This year it’s nowhere to be found on any of the websites…yet, there still isn’t any mention of charity or anything that Diner en Blanc contributes to the city other than a marked increase in body odor.

I wonder why it was taken down? Surely not because someone has been harping on this particular embarrassing aspect for YEARS and they were hoping to avoid the bad press in 2024?

Good luck with that.

But hey, back to the event, right? Because this year is different, friends. This year’s event is taking place just months before a pivotal election that will set the course of this nation for the next four years. There are going to be IMPORTANT political discussions and topics to bandy about as gentlemen ride Penny Farthings in fanciful patterns to the delight of all involved.

A veritable Parisian salon, if you will, for the enlightened to realize they’ve wasted $67 a ticket to sweat through their finest white Croft & Barrow polo shirts and talk politics with swampy asses.

I can hear the discussions now:

“Oh my, did you hear what Donald Trump recently said? What a brute! You know, if I were speaking with him, I’d say, ‘Hey Donald, you’re fired!'”

“Yes, but Kamala’s not much better, mind you! I’m not sure I can trust her, and those power suits! 1989 called, sweetie, and they want their wardrobe back!”

“How delightful…did I tell you I’ve been getting into coffee enemas recently? Instagram says they’re very beneficial My anus feels 15 years younger!”

::Accidentally eats toenail clippings a homeless gentleman has been throwing onto their charcuterie board all night:: 

“These corn chips are just delish!”

Look, do you really want to experience Diner en Blanc for yourself? Put on a white t-shirt, turn off the air conditioning, log onto that Facebook account you haven’t visited in ages, and read through your aunt’s posts while intermittently dropping $5 bills into a paper shredder for the next several hours.

It will be the exact same experience, I assure you. You’ll hear about all the latest political half truths floating around the internet, how pasteurized milk is actually an invention by BIG GOVERNMENT to keep us all docile and sick, and how the earth is really flat so the ELITE can profit off our hard work.

WHY IS THIS STILL A THING?! WHY? The only consolation I can take from any of this is the knowledge that at least one couple in attendance will completely break down into a drag-out public fight when they realize how much money they’ve spent to engage in such a colossal waste of time.

If just one couple in attendance at Diner en Blanc can get divorced as a direct result of attending the event than it will all be worth it. Brings a smile to my face thinking about it.

But again, and I’m just throwing this out there like I did for the last three years, the solution to all of this is Diner en Heights at my house. $10 gets you a red solo cup with keg access and at least two slices of pizza from Ralph’s on Station Avenue. Judging from the popularity of the idea last time, we’ll move it out from the backyard to the street. Don’t worry about the neighbors, they’ll be as piss-drunk as the rest of the us.

See everyone there. If you wear white you will not be admitted.