My god, Red October is about 24-hours away with the HATED New York Mets coming to Citizens Bank Park for the 2024 NLDS series.

The Phillies haven’t played in a week, the Mets dispatched the pesky Brewers Thursday night in a tight three-game series, and everyone in Philadelphia is either chain smoking Black & Milds or double-fisting Wawa classics in anticipation of the postseason.

Will the bats go cold? Can the Phillies regain their momentum and march into another World Series? Can John Middleton’s toupee handle the rigors of another long playoff run?

Fuck if I know. What I DO know is the vibes are DOWN. Everyone is FREAKED OUT about having to play the Mets, to which I feel it very necessary that we remind everyone that this is the METS we’re talking about. Are we really doing this? Are we really freaking out about the Mets?

To hell with it. But why the 2008 NLDS, you may ask? Why not another series? Well for several reasons… the Phillies have never played the Mets in the postseason so there was nothing to watch, it’s an all-time great Philadelphia NLDS moment, and I totally didn’t start writing this when the Brewers went up 2-0 in the seventh and assumed they would win.


Oops.

Whatever. It’s never a bad time to jump in the wayback machine and go to 2008. What a time to be alive. Nobody thought we could ever have a President more embarrassing than George W. Bush, the 76ers would go 41-41 and lose in the first round of the playoffs (an era fondly recalled as a wonderful time to be a fan by 99% of sports writers in this town), and Andy Reid was still waddling around the Eagles sidelines.

Thankfully for us, the entire game (with commercials!) has been uploaded to YouTube. Let’s check it out and get the good times going.

It’s Game 2! Phillies! Brewers! The Phillies have a 1-0 lead in the series after Cole Hamels befuddled Milwaukee for eight dazzling innings in game one.

The Brewers were the classic “good enough to get to the postseason, never good enough to win the whole thing” team of the late 2000s. Felt like they were in the postseason every single year and never did a damned thing. If “Golly gee” was a baseball franchise, it would be Brewers.

Today’s game is being presented by Blackberry. NOW WITH MORE BUTTONS.

Brett Myers gets the pill in game two and I’m sure he streaked into the postseason. Let’s see…last two games pitched before the playoffs….GOO! 0-2 with 8.1 innings total pitched, 14 earned runs. Mother of god talk about limping into the postseason.

Oh well. As long as he just focuses on pitching and doesn’t try to do anything that we’ll remember for the rest of our lives at the plate he’ll be just fine.

Brian Anderson, Joe Simpson, and John Smoltz are the announcers for today’s game. Eww. Smoltz says Myers will have to “control his emotions” for today’s game. Sharp analysis as always, John!

He’s opposed by mid-season pickup CC Sabathia, who was a FUCKING BEAST for the Brewers that year. 11-2 with a 1.65 ERA in 17 starts with SEVEN complete games. He also threw three complete games earlier in the year for the Indians for a total of 10 on the season.

The major league leader this year for complete games? A three way tie between Kevin Gausman, Max Fried, and our boy Cristopher Sanchez with two. TWO.

Myers was….not great for the Phillies this year. 10-13, a 4.55 ERA and a mid-season demotion to AAA. He did manage to reduce his instances of calling reporters a “retard” to zero for 2008, so that’s something.

He starts off the game by striking out Mike Cameron with three straight pitches, walks Ray Durham (who I completely forgot existed until this moment) on four pitches, and then gives up a SCREAMING line drive double to Ryan Braun.

Braun looks yoked. Guy must put a lot of hours into the gym to get that completely natural physique.

Uncle Cholly stops daydreaming about hoppin’ toads and the ol’ swimmin hole to intentionally walk Prince Fielder, load the bases, and bring up the underwhelmingly named JJ Hardy. He’s promptly walked by Myers to give the Brewers an early 1-0 lead. FUCK MY LIFE.

Thankfully, Corey “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night” Hart bafflingly swings at the first pitch (which is a ball) and Myers goes home to first for the inning ending double play.

We’ve got our first of roughly 10,000 commercials during the broadcast for ALL NEW episodes of the great Frank Caliendo show, “Frank TV.” You want a weekly skit show revolving purely around Caliendo’s halfway decent impressions? Boy, do I have some good news for you. Remember that one he did where John Madden said “boom” a lot? Absolutely classic.

How coked up was Ted Turner to think this was a good idea?

The Phillies 2008 lineup. Ohhhhh that’s the good stuff. I’ll be able to recite that lineup until the day I die.

The Phillies go down fairly easy in the first outside of a double by Shane Victorino. A key Victorino extra base hit? I think that may become a bit of a pattern today.

Citizens Bank Park is in GREAT form. It’s loud, drunk, and rally towels are a plenty.

Hey, did you know new episodes of “Frank TV” are set to debut on Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2008? I know, right?! Frank is back with a halfway decent George W. Bush, an Al Pacino where his wig does most of the heavy lifting…..and a rather unfortunate impression of Shaquille O’Neal that is a little TOO accurate if you catch my drift.

Maybe go a little less “method” next time, Frank. 2008 was a wild time.

Something that’s slightly less offensive than Caliendo’s impersonation of Shaq, but just as disgusting, is Craig Counsell’s batting stance. How about drinking a cup of decaf, fella? RELAX.

Jason Kendall is up next and he also has a terrible batting stance. Looks like he’s trying to push out a massive dump in front of Chooch.

The Brewers do jack shit. They’ll continue to do jack shit for the rest of the day.

We get our first Viagra commercial of the day! There will be about 15 more of these before the game is over.

If I remember one thing about 2008, it’s that guys with erectile dysfunction loved watching the Frank Caliendo show while waiting for their dicks to get hard.

The inning to end all innings. If you watched this game you absolutely remember just about EVERYTHING that happened here. Not one, but two moments that Phillies fans will never, EVER forget.

It starts off innocuously enough, as Pat Burrell flies out for the first out. Jayson Werth gets the ball rolling for the Phillies with a double off Sabathia. Werth was SO much fun to watch in 2008…just a great swing, effortless, and gave the team a ton of energy.

Pedro Feliz drives him in with a one-out broken bat double that SOMEHOW hooks around third base to tie the game up. Sabathia is cut! He’s cut! He’s a man after all!

But you probably don’t remember too much of that to be honest.

CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH is up next and he promptly grounds out.

And Myers steps up to the plate.

Myers had four hits during the entire season. Fuck it. Just strike out and concentrate on pitching and we’ll be happy.

He takes a MASSIVE cut on the first pitch and doesn’t come close. Second pitch, same outcome. It’s 0-2. He’s got absolutely no shot to do anything.

Third pitch, STRIK— ooooh no, the home plate umpire says it’s just a TICK off home plate…or high? I have no idea. Smoltz can’t believe it. Honestly? Looked like he should have been wrung up right there.

Whatever, he’ll strike out in a few seconds anyways, right?

Fourth pitch….foul ball. The crowd gives a halfhearted cheer.

Fifth pitch….ball. The crowd stirs, cheering a little louder.

Sixth pitch….ANOTHER foul ball. And BAH GAWD the crowd RISES TO ITS FEET to give Myers a standing ovation. Anderson can hardly believe it.

“Maybe never in the history of the game has a broken bat foul ball garnered a standing ovation,” he says. He’s probably right. 

Seventh pitch….BALL. Holy shit this crowd is going absolutely ape shit now. It’s a full count. They can absolutely tell they’re getting to Sabathia, who looks like he’s sweating ham at this point.

Eighth pitch….fouls off another one. This crowd is EAGER for blood.

Ninth pitch….WALK. HE WALKED MYERS.

I can’t begin to describe what it was like to watch this when it was happening. You knew something special was going on when Myers just kept fouling off pitch after pitch. Hell, I distinctly remember thinking how great it was that Myers didn’t strike out on three pitches and was actually making him work. But a walk? Sabathia didn’t walk ANYONE in that stretch, especially not horrific hitting pitchers.

The crowd is RILED. Sabathia is feeling it. He walks Jimmy Rollins on four straight pitches.

Victorino saunters to the plate. You know what happens next.

It was either this moment or the Matt Stairs home run in the NLCS where 99% of Phillies fans just knew they were going to win the World Series. Shit like this just never happened for the Phillies. It happened TO the Phillies plenty of times, but never for them.

The original Bedlam at the Bank. Still gives me goosebumps. 5-1 Phillies.

Sabathia eventually gets out of the inning with no more runs, but the damage has been done.

I don’t know about you, but I could use a few laughs after that emotionally draining inning. HEY LOOK! Frank TV is coming back soon! We get not one, but TWO commercials for the show during this break. Rumor has it Ted Turner had a big red button installed into the desk in his office that would play a Frank TV commercial whenever he pushed it.

Thankfully, Frank spares us from any blackface in these commercials. He knocks it out of the park with a Donald Trump impersonation, with the punchline being that he’s going to buy the playoffs. Couldn’t work a “You’re Fired” into the joke, Frank? HOW DID THIS SHOW NOT LAST?!

Phillies eventually chase Sabathia from the game. He is FUMING…not because of the game, but because one of the clubhouse attendants just informed him there’s a two cheesesteak limit for the postgame buffet. I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA?!

John Smoltz informs the national audience that the next three innings are “very important” for the Milwaukee Brewers.

They’re down 5-1…no shit.

It’s Gus! The second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania! This was firmly in the incredibly creepy animatronic era of Gus before Pennsylvania got all fancy and started CGIing the little weasel into their commercials.

Gus has probably scarred more children in the Delaware Valley than absentee Delco fathers promising they’ll come to their kid’s next baseball game.

Eric Gagne?! Huh?! I have absolutely no memory of Gagne being on this team. He’s a husk of his former self, as he’s been demoted to a seventh inning role in the Brewers bullpen.

Oh well. At the very least I’m sure he was good company for Braun when they would go to the “pharmacy” to get their “vitamins.”

It’s 5-2 at this point. Myers gave up a run in the top of the seventh. Who cares.

Tons of fun Prince Fielder Jr. has a chance in the top of the eighth with two men on and two outs to get the Brewers closer. J.C. Romero tells him to fuck right off and absolutely SHEERS his bat in half, probably sending jagged splinters raining down on people in the crowd. Nobody cared.

I can practically hear Chris Wheeler now. “WOAH, look out down there. Hope everyone’s ok.”

Utley gives the ball a classic glove flip to first for the final out. My god, the JUICE for this team is off the god damned charts.

This stat doesn’t bode well for the Brewers chances for the rest of this series. Sorry.

RING THE GODDAMN BELL. Brad Lidge closes the door on the Brew crew and the Phillies take a 2-0 series lead.

A graphic shows that the last time the Phillies had a 2-0 postseason series lead was in 1980 when they won the World Series. I like those odds.

What a moment in time. Fuck the Brewers. Fuck the present day Brewers right to hell. Go Phillies.