Did Bryce Harper give himself food poisoning? Was it the raw milk in the vanilla latte?

@3ryceharper

Do I make this a regular thing? #baristabryce #coffee

♬ original sound – Bryce Harper

Listen Bryce, lets leave the raw milk for the offseason. What you do on your own time is your business. I’d rather you mix fight milk into your latte during the season because from my two seconds of research I’ve done it looks like raw milk can cause some problems. I don’t need Bryce on the IL with listeria. This isn’t the Oregon Trail.

Lets just mash home runs naturally like the ballplayers who drank pasteurized milk before you:

I need Kyle Schwarber to drive a dairy truck onto the field and start blasting everyone with whole milk like Kurt Angle.

We don’t need Aidan Miller being peer pressured into getting his milk straight from the udder:


Now Aaron Nola is also sick so I’m gonna need one of the 20 beat reporters down there to quit posting videos of a guy throwing from a flat mound and investigate. Does he drink raw milk or did they get some bad oysters in Clearwooder? I need answers.

Good news is he’s back Tuesday:

Harp is a funny test case of if he didn’t hit bombs he’d be the most annoying person in your friend group. If he wasn’t one of the best players this game has ever seen you’d never want to hang out with him. He’s the guy that scoffs at you for drinking out of the tap and parrots the healing properties of Hydrogen water from a podcast he listened to:

I’m half joking when I say he might’ve petitioned the Phillies to get rid of Dollar Dog Night. He’d be the bachelor party invite from hell because he’d be working out at 7 a.m. and didn’t eat the steak dinner last night because of the added preservatives. He’d be the worst hang ever. But when you are a 2x MVP and an absolute stud on the diamond you are afforded a longer leash. I hope the Phillies are doing the Netflix series this year. I need this locker room studied. So many different personalities, so many weirdos. It’s like a giant frat house.