I’ve lived here for more than a decade and grew up 45 minutes outside Philly and never once stepped inside the Art Museum. I’ve actually watched more Super Bowl speeches at the Art Museum than times I’ve been inside it. Obviously I wouldn’t be a guy you’d call an appreciator of the arts. I never got art. Never understood why a picture was supposed to make me feel things inside. If I want to feel something I’ll watch Saquon Barkley break a 60-yard run or Bryce Harper hit a clutch home run. Welp, all runs come to an end. I found myself on Saturday with nothing to do so I went on a solo trip to see what all the hype was about. And of course as a purveyor of art does, I offered my unsolicited opinion on the masterpieces. Here is what I saw in them:

@kylepagancb

Art rules @Philadelphia Museum of Art #art #philly #artmuseum

♬ Little Things – Adrián Berenguer

Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a giant golden dong at the Art Museum? I would’ve went years ago! The people taking themselves way too seriously were definitely scoffing at me for taking multiple videos of it. Relax. If there’s a giant golden dong being displayed I’m going to take pictures of it. Those are the rules. Also, whose idea was it to put Jackie O next to Marilyn Monroe? Messy.

I gotta admit something. I actually enjoyed it. Don’t get me wrong, after 20 minutes I was bored again, but what I think I liked most was every room wasn’t like the one before it. In one room it would look like a Lumon hallway on the severed floor. In another it’d be an entire living room in 1700s England with a bunch of fat drunk guys on the wall. But then I snapped out of it when I realized again why art isn’t for me. This pissed me off that they just dedicated an entire corner of one floor to trash:

@kylepagancb

That Dole sticker was a paid actor #artmuseum

♬ original sound – Headbangers Dan

How is this art? You’re telling me all this time I could’ve just put my trash on the floor, called it art, and they would’ve paid me? Why would you ever go to art school after seeing this?

I’ve got more I’m going to judge.


Good Drugs

Is that a pig doing missionary with a salamandar?

 

Accident Bow Wow

This dog definitely just left the gnarliest, foulest smelling shit on the carpet. Look at that shame. That’s a guilty boy. How can you be mad at that face though?

Uncle Gus

This just looks like an Uncle Gus. He just got done fighting with your Aunt Mary at Thanksgiving and needs a cigarette on the porch to calm down. We all have an Uncle Gus.

I could paint this

 

I could paint this #2

 

Here’s a general rule of thumb. If any ordinary citizen with zero art experience can paint something it shouldn’t be allowed to hang in the Museum of Art. I’ve seen Kindergarten finger paintings with more detail.

Smarty Jones

I fucking hate you Birdstone.