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Gabe Kapler Continues His Run as Best MLB TikToker
By Kyle Pagan
Published:
“Gabe we’re 18 games under .500 and just had to DFA a guy we still have to pay $24 million. Please help!” Gabe Kapler:
@gabekapler Whistle while you work
The Marlins are so lucky. Could you imagine enjoying this season without Kap? It’d be so boring.
“Get ready with me to go lose 1-zip!” Gabe Kapler:
@gabekapler a Johnny Cash thing
God I was so worried about the Alpha Marlins this season when Gabe started posting TikToks. I just thought that alpha male energy was going to rub off on the team and they were going to be battling the Phillies for a Wild Card spot. How could you not after he was dropping gold like walking faster will get you to your destination faster:
Wise words from Gabe Kapler pic.twitter.com/BrX5IVL2Fo
— Talkin’ Baseball (@TalkinBaseball_) January 22, 2024
Turns out they’re a dumpster fire that punted on the season a month in after trading their best player for some prospects.
I’m still going down with the ship. I can’t quit Gabe and his TikToks. Not gonna lie though, he drops some good wisdom…with the latest trending song in the background so he can make that algorithm purr:
@gabekapler Empower others, unlock creativity.
Would I want him as my manager? Absolutely not. Gabe seems like the epitome of “This meeting could’ve been an email.” The constant meetings is the thing I’ll never miss the most about cube life. Just people getting together for the sake of getting together in 30 minute increments where you don’t end up ever actually accomplishing anything. I’m convinced half of our meetings at Comcast were scheduled just as an excuse for people to interact with one another so they didn’t end up jumping out of a window onto 17th and JFK. Hated it. Let me throw some headphones in and go to another world. These spreadsheets aren’t going to fill themselves when I’m wasting an hour circling back and putting a pin in things.
Every sales manager email on Monday morning while you’re nursing a vicious hangover:
@gabekapler Most just replicate the practice of their competitors
Just give me Andy Elliott and have him humiliate me instead. This is how you get results in the workplace:
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If Gabe Kapler kidnapped Jazz Chisholm’s family and said he was going to kill them if he didn’t bat .300 guess what Jazz Chisholm is going to do? Bat .300.
Are you a Ferrari or are you a Ford Taurus?
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Less sexy eye squint:
More hard nipples and throbbing forehead vein. Gabe Kapler is really just Andy with a Benzo script and the ability to hit a 95 mph fastball.
Ngl, this is a beautiful steak:
@gabekapler Ribeye x truffle butter
Kyle writes blog posts and does Man on the Street-style videos all around Philadelphia. He graduated from Temple University (a basketball school) in 2015. contact: k.pagan@sportradar.com