Phillies

Robot Story of the Week: 25 Potential Bullpen Arms if Dave Dombrowski Goes Summer Dumpster Diving

By Kevin Kinkead

Published: Jun 13th, 2025 · 1:05 PM EDT

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On a slow June Friday, we turn it over to ChatGPT, which compiled for us a list of 25 bullpen arms that might be available for Dave Dombrowski at the deadline:

1. Tyler Grubbs – Sidearming righty with a 92 mph sinker and a mustache that screams “6.12 ERA.”
2. Rico Gunter – Journeyman lefty who’s been DFA’d by four teams in the last two months.
3. Chase Van Loon – High-spin curveball, zero command. Coaches describe him as “violently inconsistent.”
4. Bobby Treadwell – Throws 98 but only knows where it’s going 30% of the time.
5. Nate “Snacks” Colon – 285-pound former catcher-turned-reliever; elite mound presence, poor cardio.
6. Eli Drayton – Former second-round pick. Now throws from a weird three-quarters angle “just to see what happens.”
7. Gio Meza – Spent last year in Korea walking 12 batters per 9 innings. Back to “figure things out.”
8. Trevor Slink – Not good, but has an incredible nickname (“The Slinkster”) and a 40-man spot somehow.
9. Rossy Del Busto – Cuban defector with visa issues, arm issues, and command issues. But he’s got “stuff.”
10. Camden Brooks – Ivy League grad, throws 85, great analytics. Opposing hitters love him.
11. Mitch “The Tarp” Donlan – Called “The Tarp” because he only shows up in rain delay games.
12. Luis Firpo Jr. – Not related to Luis Firpo. Unclear if he’s even a junior. But he gets outs in the PCL (sometimes).
13. Jake Fontenot – Double-A closer with a 40% strikeout rate and a 40% walk rate. Pure chaos.
14. Brayden Hork – Throws a gyro slider that sometimes backs up and hits the ump.
15. Travis Mealey – 31-year-old indie league guy who “found a cutter” and is now getting MLB looks.
16. Vito Kravetz – New Jersey-born lefty, 88 mph fastball, pitches with a chip on his shoulder and a hangover.
17. Kenta McGrew – Half-Japanese, half-Texan, full-on enigma. Once struck out Shohei Ohtani in a spring training game and hasn’t shut up since.
18. Sergio “Beans” Martinez – Nicknamed for his pregame meal routine. Reliable mop-up guy.
19. Toby Hench – Was a hitting coach until someone realized he could throw 96. Now he’s in Triple-A Albuquerque.
20. Reed Slocum – 6’10” reliever who “just needs to figure out how to get the ball in the zone.”
21. Garrett Brill – Former hockey player, throws mad cutters but can’t field a bunt to save his life.
22. Domingo Cortez – Raw Rule 5 kid stashed in the bullpen because no one wants to send him back to the Diamondbacks.
23. “Mad Dog” Malone – Has the best walkout music in the minors and a WHIP over 2.00.
24. Evan Vlek – Dutch import, top tier bullpen vibes guy. Probably better suited for the World Baseball Classic.
25. Spencer Fidge – Claimed from the Mariners. No one knows who he is. Scouts say he’s “just a guy.”

Some of these are pretty good. “Throws 98 but only knows where it’s going 30% of the time.” Sounds like Jose Alvarado’s first Phillies season. Heyo! And “Reed Slocum” sounds exactly like someone who might be available at the deadline for cash considerations. He has a 5.07 ERA for the Buffalo Bisons this season but had a cup of coffee with the Blue Jays when they were 67-95 back in 2019.

On a more serious note, the Phillies bullpen has the seventh-worst ERA in Major League Baseball, at 4.56. They have allowed 38.8% of inherited runners to score, which is third-most. Opposing batters are hitting .260 against this group while they’ve blown 14 saves through June 13th. Carlos Hernandez was DFA’d, Alvarado is suspended, Jeff Hoffman and Carlos Estevez are long gone, and Matt Strahm has slipped after a stellar 2024.