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In Honor of the Coldplay Couple, Listing the Worst Places Around Philadelphia to Get Caught Cheating
By Kyle Pagan
Published:
By now you’ve seen the Coldplay couple, who’ve been outed at a concert for having an affair:
The guy is allegedly Andy Byron, the CEO of Astronomer, and the other woman is allegedly Kristin Cabot, who works in HR, according to the Internet sleuths who outed these two in less than 12 hours. That got me thinking, what would be the worst places to be caught having an affair in the Delaware Valley area? I’ve got a couple.
A Sixers Game
First of all, you have zero respect for your sidepiece. You’re watching a 10-30 team and a shell of Joel Embiid and Paul George – if they’re both not sitting that night. I know you thought nobody in the arena would mean there was less of a chance you’d be caught, but that’s just more opportunity for you to get on the Bongo Cam. At that point you kind of deserve to be outed that you’re cheating on your spouse. Don’t worry, Eric Gordon definitely won’t tell ;).
Wing Bowl
You know what, shout out to that chick if she’s getting up and going to Wing Bowl with you. The only problem is Wing Bowl started at like 4 a.m. You get caught, the video is already on the Internet grabbing millions and millions of hits by 6 a.m., and you still have to go home to the missus before the kids are even on the bus. The silver lining is that one’s a keeper. Hope you’re able to keep her around. The sad part is you’re never going to see the kids again after your wife gets everything in the divorce. At least you’ll always have those memories of Commissioner Ric Flair WOOOOO’ING all over the joint while Molly Schuyler woofs down some wings.
The Philly Portal
This would be right out of a Curb episode. Your wife takes a trip to Ireland so you think it’s time to grab the sidepiece and head down to Philadelphia. You do all the fun things you and your wife haven’t done in years. You guys are having the time of your lives and you feel young again. You’re at Uptown Beer Garden getting some drinks when your sidepiece says she’s hungry. You recommend the Reading Terminal Market because you haven’t had a sandwich from there since you used to work in the city. You have the bright idea to cut through City Hall where you notice this video screen to another world just chilling in the middle of Center Square. You guys stop and check it out and start waving to the people on the other side of the world. You spend a couple minutes doing this and then ask the couple, “What part of the world is this?” They say Poland, Lithuania, and before they can say the last city up pops Dublin, Ireland and your wife staring right back at you. It’s over. Your cover is blown. Your mistress is waving back all giddy as your stomach is doing somersaults. You just lost your appetite as you start repeating the Joe Cordell ad you hear on the radio every day.
Fletcher Cox’s House
This one’s pretty self explanatory. If the shoe is on the other foot and you find out she’s at Fletcher Cox’s house, she’s gone bro. Just let her go:
In the back of one of my videos
Could you imagine how unlucky you’d be if your girl caught you having an affair in the background of one of my videos in the lots? Some drunk Eagles fan is yapping about wanting to break Dak’s femur and you’re in the background clutching your sidepiece and whispering in her ear how Saquon is going to go for 200 yards and you’re going to cash your three-team parlay. Such a romantic moment ruined because of a wide lens. I’d feel terrible too. I love love.
BOGO Night at the Phillies
Getting caught cheating at Dollar Dog Night: Cool. Getting caught cheating at BOGO Dog Night: Lame.
A Coldplay Concert during Fly Eagles Fly
Ngl, I thought this performance of Fly Eagles Fly was lovely. Chris Martin is the songbird of our generation. There were plenty of people who didn’t, though, so I can imagine this would be the Eighth Level of Hell for some.
Kyle writes blog posts and does Man on the Street-style videos all around Philadelphia. He graduated from Temple University (a basketball school) in 2015. contact: k.pagan@sportradar.com