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Which New and Exciting Way to Lose Will the Phillies Show Us Tonight at Citi Field?
Published:
Wednesday night’s Mets starter does not have an ESPN profile picture, so you know what means. No-hitter incoming.
Here’s another sad sentence:
The Phillies have lost nine in a row at Citi Field and have only won six games in Queens since 2022. That includes the playoffs. Citi has been a House of Horrors, a hellscape, a hideous and harrowing entity, basically any H word you would like to pull from the Thesaurus.
Monday night, the Phillies went up 3-0 and then conceded 13 runs, losing by double digits. On Tuesday, closer Jhoan Duran was blown up in the bottom of the ninth for a 6-5 walkoff loss.
Continuing with the pithy theme, here are 10 new and exciting ways in which the Phillies might lose tonight, with the support of artificial intelligence because we’re all exhausted after these last two games and creativity is at a minimum:
1) Nolan McLean throws a complete game shutout, breathing new life into a Mets team that was dead and buried as recently as four days ago. Now they have a real starting rotation and go on a ridiculous heater, sweeping the Marlins over the next four. It’s a seven-game winning streak to salvage their season.
2) Taijuan Walker pitches a gem, goes 7 innings strong, then Rob Thomson pulls him too early and the bullpen blows it.
3) The Phillies inhale auto part fumes from all of the chop shops next to Citi Field, develop black lung, and have to go on the 15-day IL. They forfeit their next four series.
4) During a crucial Bryce Harper plate appearance, the stadium speakers malfunction and randomly blast “Meet the Mets” on loop. The game is delayed 17 minutes and Harper loses focus and strikes out with the bases loaded.
5) An umpire, secretly a lifelong Mets fan, calls a phantom balk in the eighth inning, advancing Mets runners. The next batter hits a go-ahead double, and the benches clear and the entire Phillies roster and bench staff is ejected.
6) Juan Soto breaks his bat on a line drive and the wood shards get stuck in Walker’s arm. He has to come out of the game in the 2nd inning after 22 pitches.
7) Bottom of the 9th, two outs, two strikes. Mets hitter clearly goes around, but the ump refuses to ring him up. Next pitch? A three-run walk-off moonshot.
8) The new LED lights glitch, plunging the field into half-darkness right as the Phillies are chasing a Jeff McNeil pop-up. The ball drops for an RBI double and the umps refuse to replay the sequence.
9) Brandon Marsh is chasing a fly ball in left field. A fan wearing a Grimace costume distracts him, the ball bounces off his head and out for a home run.
10) Mark Vientos walks into Citi Field wearing a Cody Ross jersey and proceeds to go 4-4 and hit for the cycle while driving in 5 runs. Then we all kill ourselves.
Should be a good one tonight!
Kevin has been writing about Philadelphia sports since 2009. He spent seven years in the CBS 3 sports department and started with the Union during the team's 2010 inaugural season. He went to the academic powerhouses of Boyertown High School and West Virginia University. email - k.kinkead@sportradar.com