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Pittsburgh Sports Radio Guy is Piercing Nipples After Losing Bets While Philly Guys are Giving Out Organic Halloween Candy
By Kyle Pagan
Published:
Sports radio in the Commonwealth right now couldn’t be on more opposite ends of the spectrum. We’ve got Jack Fritz giving out organic Halloween candy on Friday. Not just admitting to it, but bragging about it. Has shame just completely left the building? This guy starts running a couple miles after Phillies wins and he thinks he’s better than us now?
When I was growing up everyone knew what houses to avoid. The old fucks who gave out pennies. The dentist who gave kid size candy and a toothbrush. Screw those people. There’s a special place in hell for all of them. They used to get it extra special on Mischief Night and if Fritz wakes up tomorrow and he has to clean some Quilted Northern two-ply out of his tree then that’s his own fault. We’re talking organic gummy bears and fruit sticks. The craziest part might be choosing gummy bears as a candy, organic or not. Gummy bears wouldn’t even be on my top-50 list of candy I’d choose for Halloween. What’s next year’s big surprise, granola bars and trail mix? What’re we doing here? First year in the neighborhood and you’ve already got the scarlet letter. Just put the Reese’s in the bag man:
Are parents doing this nowadays? Is it all about non-GMO and organic candy? I know a peanut butter and jelly isn’t allowed within 150 yards of a school. But if we’re doing healthy candy now I might choose to live off the grid. Without trying to sound like an old man here, we grew up with all of the dyes and all of the sugars and look how we turned out. Didn’t even know what a gluten allergy was until I got to college. Now there are people trying to tell me these organic gummy bears as tasty. Who gives a shit? Name me a gummy bear that isn’t. Name me a fruit snack that doesn’t knock it out of the park. For every bad one there are 20 great ones. The GOAT being the Scooby-Doo fruit snacks, IYKYK. We grew up on Snickers and Butterfingers and Twix and Pixie Sticks. Why are we bucking traditions?
This shit would never fly in the Pittsburgh. Give a coal miner’s son a fruit stick and he’s going to kick your ass. In the sports radio scene across the state we’ve got guys piercing their nipples because they lost a bet. This is Andrew Fillipponi from 97.3 The Fan who got some new hardware yesterday:
Now this is a man. You think this guy’s giving out fruit sticks for Halloween? Absolutely not. Sure he might not be allowed around kids unsupervised, but he’s getting the king size bars on his way home from a shift. This is a guy with honor and class who pays up when he loses his bets. Real ones that are painful and agonizing. Not an Eagles chant at a Phillies game – the fruit sticks of bets:
P.S. Jack Fritz when there’s a little chill in the air and it’s time to break out the fruit sticks:
Kyle writes blog posts and does Man on the Street-style videos all around Philadelphia. He graduated from Temple University (a basketball school) in 2015. contact: k.pagan@sportradar.com