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Paul Pierce is Trashing the Sixers and Making Some Good Points
By Matt Schultz
Published:
If you’re somehow feeling any semblance of optimism about the Sixers after their terrible loss to the Celtics in game one on Sunday afternoon, allow Paul Pierce to bring you back down to where we all belong:
“I was thoroughly impressed game one, but, you know… It’s Philly. It’s Philly. We haven’t lost to Philly in a playoff series since like ‘82… The last time they beat us in the playoffs was ‘82. A lot of people watching this show wasn’t even born. I was five years old. I usually go to the Celtics first-round, but I don’t even wanna waste that trip… I literally didn’t wanna waste that trip because I know. I know.”
Watching this clip, I cycled through a complex series of emotions. My gut reaction, naturally, was defensive: Shut the hell up, Paul! What do you know? You said your career was better than Dwayne Wade’s! You once got wheeled off the court because you were shitting yourself! –
You got booted from ESPN for going live on Instagram with this weird-ass party! –
After that knee-jerk reaction, a calmness set in, which gave way to introspection:
Ah… Shit… Wait… Maybe Paul is making good points… Has it really been 1982 since we’ve beaten the Celtics? Is that possible? That sounds… quite bad… No one else on the podcast is jumping in to correct him, so I guess it’s probably true… If I were in Paul Pierce’s shoes, would I want to go and watch this series? The answer… is no…. Even in my own shoes, I don’t wanna go…
This introspection led to a begrudging acceptance: As painful as it is to admit, Paul Pierce is making some perfectly reasonable points. Which, finally, brings me to where I am now: Angry… at the Sixers organization. This sucks! Even lame-ass Paul Pierce is dunking on us, and I kind of agree with him! Get it together, Sixers, just one time for us! Goofy-ass Paul Pierce is laughing at you. Let this be bulletin board material… Please…
Anyway, this series is a wrap, in my opinion. Thank you, Paul Pierce, for reminding us all.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)