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The Flyers Lost a Tough Game 2, But at Least No One Got Spanked on National TV Like Logan Stankoven
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The Flyers had a number of chances to tie their series with Carolina at one game apiece on Monday night, but unfortunately couldn’t make it happen. It’s not all bad news, though. If we’re looking for silver linings, I think we can all take solace in the fact that no Flyers ended up on all fours getting spanked on the ice. This could’ve happened to anyone –
Real hockey heads know: this is a dangerous game. Every time you put on the pads and take the ice, you’re risking the possibility of falling to elbows and knees and getting relentlessly spanked on the ass. Hockey is one of the few sports where violence isn’t a byproduct; the possibility of getting slapped on the rear end with a stick is built into the very game itself, and has been a well-known occupational hazard of the sport for over 100 years. Think of all the great careers cut short by being bent over a goalie’s knee and taking a bunch of paddle slaps to the cheeks – the list is endless. Then think about the long-term effects that this kind of ass trauma can have on players as they age: arthritis (due to loss of ass cartilage), cognitive declines (due to being preoccupied with thinking about getting hit on the ass), depression (due to how sad it makes people to get smacked on the ass). We all like to pretend these tragedies don’t happen, but when you’re confronted with a clip like this, it’s a brutal reminder: In hockey, anyone’s ass could end up bright pink from spanks at any time.
Devastating. Prayers up that everyone’s asses – on both teams – stay safe throughout the rest of this series.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)