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39 Questions I’m Left With After Watching Bryce Harper Brush His Teeth Like a Lunatic
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Have you guys seen this video yet? Of Bryce Harper putting toothpaste directly into his mouth instead of onto his toothbrush?
What a fascinating thing to witness. I’ve watched this video several times now, and after each viewing, I’m left with even more questions. The initial ones are obvious, of course:
- Did he just put toothpaste directly into his mouth from the tube?
- Why would he do that?
- Do other people do this?
- Did Bryce invent a whole new way of brushing his teeth?
- What could be gained by applying toothpaste this strange way, versus doing it the normal way every other person alive does it?
All fair questions – but it’s only scratching the surface. Once you watch the video like five, six times, the questions dam breaks wide open:
- Why is Bryce filming himself brushing his teeth, anyway?
- What is this?
- What is this for?
- Why is he talking in a muttering, indecipherable monotone?
- What is he even saying?
- Something about why he loves the West Coast?
- What could that have to do with anything?
- Does he think this method of brushing one’s teeth is a part of West Coast culture?
- Where the hell could he have gotten that idea?
- Why does he look so upset?
- This can’t be fun for him, right?
- This isn’t what a person looks like when they’re doing something they enjoy, is it?
- He looks like he doesn’t want to be doing this. Does he feel like he has to?
- It’s not any sort of brand sponsorship video, right?
- Maybe he just loves brushing his teeth so much that he doesn’t need advertising money to film himself doing it?
- Maybe he’d view taking toothpaste money as selling out?
- Is that toothpaste tube just a blank white?
- What toothpaste brand has a blank, all-white tube like that?
- Does Bryce get his own special toothpaste from the Phillies, the way teams cook all of their players’ meals?
- Where are his kids?
- Doesn’t he have like nine children?
- Maybe he should call them instead of brushing his teeth online for strangers to watch?
- I guess this is just a play for attention?
- What’s missing in his life where he feels like he needs more attention?
- Isn’t he a millionaire like a hundred times over?
- Isn’t he on TV pretty much every day?
- That’s not enough?
- Why is he spitting like that?
- He must see how disgusting that is to watch, him spitting like that, right?
- Does he think this is what the people want, videos of him periodically spitting foamy spit into a sink?
- Is Bryce doing alright?
- Should we be checking in on Bryce more?
- Should we surround Bryce with some buddies who tell him that he doesn’t have to do this sort of thing on Instagram Live?
- Should I watch this video a few more times?
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)