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I Don’t Care What Gen Z Says, John Harbaugh’s Introductory Giants Speech Was Not Cringey
By Matt Schultz
Published:
John Harbaugh is getting roasted for the introductory speech he gave to the Giants recently. I’ve watched this speech a few times. I’ve looked at it from every angle. I’ve done my due diligence, and I’m firmly planting my flag in the ground: This speech is not cringey. It’s fine. The kids online are wrong:
“Welcome, men. Good to see everyone here. You excited? Little nervous? Huh? Little nervous? I’m a little nervous, man. I’m nervous. Excited nerves, you know? Nervous like before a game almost. Let’s get this thing kicked off. I’m standing up here in front of the New York Giants. The New York Giants. This is the New York Giants in this room! The New… York… Giants! Wow… It’s an honor. It’s an honor to stand in front of this room right now. I know those coaches back there feel the same way. Right, coaches? It’s an honor, man. We been working, haven’t we? Working early and working late getting ready for today. Today… Sitting in this chair, this seat, getting to work. Getting started. Our beginning. Cause this is where it all begins. Together.”
What’s wrong with this speech? There’s nothing wrong with this speech. This is what a speech sounds like. These are introductory remarks. He’s setting the table. He has to start somewhere, doesn’t he? How else is he supposed to do it? It’s like on the first day of class when the professor kind of rambles for a while in the beginning about what that class is going to accomplish and stuff. The professor never says anything all that substantial up top. They’re just giving you the vibe, laying out the broad strokes, while also trying to get a pulse for the room. This is normal. This is how every speech I’ve ever heard starts.
Not that this video oozes personability or inspires great hope or gets the viewer jacked up or anything. I’m not saying it does; I understand the clip under-delivers there. But it’s not John Harbaugh’s fault. In fact, I posit that the exact opposite is the case: the weird vibes in this video are players’ fault. They’re just sitting there like a bunch of braindead dipshits. And we all know why. It’s obvious…
This Giants roster is full of Gen Z kids. The very same demographic that’s slamming this video online… They are the problem here…
The average age of the Giants roster is 25.7. Kids that age think everything is cringe. Anytime anyone speaks or communicates or emotes in any way, they call it cringe. That’s what being a person is, pretty much, and they say it’s cringe. It’s a fascinating conclusion they’ve reached. Makes you wonder if their brains are extremely broken. Maybe it was bad that they had to be homeschooled for three years during Covid and never learned how to socialize. Maybe it’s not good that they’ve been addicted to their phones since they were 7 years old. Maybe spending 5 hours a day on social media (that’s the real number, just Googled it, that’s Gen Z’s average), mindlessly consuming real-life footage of drone bombings interspersed with Duolingo ads has depleted their nervous systems’ ability to self-regulate, turning them into a bunch of awkward-ass, goofy weirdos who can’t make eye contact. Maybe they’re in some real trouble. Sounds like a bad situation. Damn shame.
But that doesn’t change what’s most important here: John Harbaugh’s speech was fine. He’s not cringe. And neither was this post. Please don’t say it was… I will backtrack on all of this if I need to…
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com