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Even Hilary Duff is Getting in on the LeBron James Joking/Pandering
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Hilary Duff played a concert at the Mann Center on Sunday night and made the following attempt to connect with the audience:
“We started in Florida, went to LA, we’ve ended up here… I’m starting to feel like LeBron!”
This underwhelming crack at relating to Philadelphians may have been enough for the sheep at the Hilary Duff concert, but I for one expect more from my pandering. Maybe I have been spoiled. Maybe I have grown accustomed to Bryce Harper telling me Philadelphia is the greatest city in the history of existence, the peak of human accomplishment, that he loves my hometown so much that he fashions his shoes to look like our trains. That is possible. My bar may be high. I’m not denying this.
But nevertheless, whatever the reason may be, Hilary Duff isn’t about to win over this particular irreverent sports blog just by walking onstage, saying “LeBron,” making this face:
Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell Hilary Duff what to do or how to do it. That is not my job and that is not the job of this blog. But I will offer her some free advice: the next time you try winning over Philadelphians and, more importantly, Philadelphia’s irreverent sports blog, do your homework first. Mention something that shows you’re really one of us, that you understand and appreciate our experience, and that you didn’t just Google “Philly” a few minutes before coming onstage and say whatever Google’s AI Summary spat at you.
In the spirit of being a good note-giver, I will jot down a few things you could’ve said that would’ve worked way better:
“Today I saw Aaron Nola is slated to pitch in the Field of Dreams game and I got nauseous.”
“Aaron Nola better not be here tonight. Pissed just thinking about him.”
“If you guys out there see Aaron Nola in the crowd, point him out to security and they’ll take care of it.”
“The bullpen fucking sucks too. Whatever. I don’t even care. This team just doesn’t have it. Who cares.”
“Although Painter is kind of pitching well. Don’t look now, but yeah. Maybe that’ll work out. Wouldn’t that be nice.”
“Anyway, Sixers are gonna be all over national TV, if you guys saw that news. That’s good. Less Kate and Alaa.”
“They seem nice and all, but I dunno. Not my favorite. Chemistry just isn’t there.”
“Ben Simmons should go back to fishing mainly.”
“Whoever is in charge of the black ‘01 Sixers jerseys reportedly not coming back this year should go to prison. I’m going to personally look into this.”
“I was just reading Crossingbroad.com backstage. I wish I was still reading it.”
“Is it okay with you guys if I read some Crossing Broad blogs aloud into the microphone instead of singing songs? I’ll do do both. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll still sing some songs. But music gets kind of repetitive and Crossing Broad is aways refreshing their page with fresh blogs. I think that’d be a good balance if I did both.”
“I’m going to read you some Crossing Broad articles now.”
Again, these are just ideas. Jumping-off points. It’s up to you to really do your homework, Hilary. Reading Crossingbroad.com is a good place to start.
*Kinkead: notice how she didn’t mention Cleveland at all
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com