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Get the Foam Roller From the Basement Because the Blue Coats are Having Open Tryouts
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The news:
Now is the time. Let’s all go to this. Break out the foam rollers. Get the resistance bands. Take nine Advils. Stretch your calves by doing the push-against-the-wall stretch for like four-ish seconds. That should be plenty to protect your ACL. Quad stretch, of course. That one’s easy. Do some high-knees. Lay on the ground and flop your leg over your body to stretch your hip. That one takes up a lot of space, but that’s okay. We’re all doing it. We’re all going to try out for the Blue Coats.
I’m pretty sure the Blue Coats do these tryouts every year, but I still get excited every August when they make the announcement. I like the hope that’s baked into an open tryout. I like the idea of a bunch of hoopers out there who are too good for their local JCC or Lifetime showing up and getting to play in front of real talent scouts. That’s pretty sick. Bunch of old guys holding clipboards and stopwatches sharing impressed glances after you do something cool. “Who the hell is this guy… My stopwatch must be broken…. This can’t be right…” they quietly mutter to each other. That’s Invincible. That’s Miracle. That’s what it’s all about. That’s the dream.
I am talking myself into going to these tryouts… Should I do it… Should I go and then write a blog about this experience… Let me know what you guys think. It’s worth noting that I played great at the Cherry Hill JCC last night. I hit four threes and one very nice mid-range in my first game of the run (my best performance of the evening). Was getting a not-insignificant number of high-fives and teammates yelling “good hit” and “tough.” I hit a transition three. I never take those because I think they’re slightly selfish/uncool to shoot if you’re not in the NBA (move the damn ball, we all drove here and have work tomorrow, we all want to play basketball, we are not here to watch you play basketball; that is my opinion on that), but I was all alone on the break and I didn’t want to drive at the huge guy in the paint and I figured I earned the heat check, so I pulled up and I hit the three. Felt incredible. I understand why people shoot them now, despite how annoying they are to everyone else on the team. It’s about as good as it gets when they go in.
I should say, too, that I never play that good. Its rarity is what makes it worth writing about in this blog. Unless this is me turning a corner in my basketball life. Maybe I’m a late bloomer. Maybe I’m just hitting my stride. Maybe now’s the time to strike. The iron is hot. Lest we forget, I hit a transition three… Plus there’s content to be gotten from this… I will proudly risk my Achilles for the blogs…
Also, I just Googled it and found there is a precedent of guys trying out actually making the team:

It costs $200 to register, but you get a Blue Coats practice jersey in the deal. That’s not bad. I might do this. Let’s all go to this. I’ll see you all out there. Please do not guard me well. Give me some space. I’d like to hit at least one shot. I want to impress the clipboard guys.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com