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Flyers Might Be Winless Because the Defensemen Are Too Horny
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The Flyers have yet to win a game this season. They’re 0-5-3. They have the worst offense in the NHL (1.25 goals per game). They have the second-worst power-play (8.3% power-play percentage). Their defense is ranked 25th (3.75 goals per game). Things are very, very bad, and it’s left Rick Tocchet having to answer the big question on everyone’s minds: What is wrong with this team?
For starters, he says, they’re being too horny:
“If you watched us last night, there’s four incidents our D are too — I can’t use the word. They’re too — you know, have you heard the word? I can’t say it. (Long pause) I can say it. They’re too horny.“
Incredible. This made me laugh hard. “Horny” was such a swerve. Tocc’s timing on it was perfect. He built up a ton of tension by hitting the “I can’t say it” line a few times. He had listeners leaning in. I know I was leaning in. What’s he gonna say? How is he about to describe these defensemen? What word could be so bad that he really feels he can’t say it in public?
Of course, plenty of words ran through my head. They had time to. Tocc’s long, dramatic pause allowed my mind to conjure up all kinds of very bad stuff in anticipation of what would come next. The defensemen are too FILL IN THE BLANK WITH A WORD THAT’D POSSIBLY GET ONE FIRED FOR SAYING IT INTO A MICROPHONE. I had a few guesses. None of them were “horny.” So funny.
His delivery was also great. Look at his hand motion. This is such a TED Talk/big presentation hand motion. I wonder if Tocc is the only person to ever do this explanation-hand-gesture while saying the word “horny” –
It’s even better with the caption:
For as great as the short clip is, I thought it’d be worthwhile to get more context on why Tocc was talking about horniness in the first place, so I went back and watched his full press availability.
Here’s the longer transcript of the question and his answer:
QUESTION: Trevor mentioned the term “scooter skating” last night. Can you maybe explain that a little bit?
TOCCHET: He’s listening. Wow. Um, so, you’ll see the really good teams, like, when you delay the fourth guy, he’s scootered, like — if you watch us last night, there’s, for instance, our D are too — I can’t use the word. They’re too — you know, have you heard the word? I can’t say it. (Long pause) I can say it. They’re too horny. Right? They’re just — they get up in the play and they get — so you just have to slow your skating down, right? They delay comes in and you scoot your skating, so you time it right, and then you get your shot. We were getting it too close. And then when you get it, you’re on top of their tail guys, so I’m a big — you know, you gotta scoot your skating. That’s something that we worked on today. It happened honestly four or five times, where literally if we waited just an extra two seconds, we would’ve had a grade A instead of a blocked shot. So that’s something we’ve really been working on.”
If I’m reading this correctly, all Tocc is saying is that the defensemen were being too overeager and moving too fast. If they were more patient with the puck and let the play unfold an extra few seconds, they would’ve had lanes for higher-quality shots. This makes sense. This happens. Especially given how many young guys the Flyers have — sometimes they have more time than they think.
It’s a good observation from the coach, and it’s nice to hear they’re working on it in practice. Here’s to hoping it pays off and the fellas stop acting all horned-up on the ice.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com