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The Big Bad Rams Got Their Asses Kicked After Bill Plaschke Declared They Would Go Unbeaten in 2026
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The Rams are the greatest team to ever exist. It’s a wrap. Crown them now. They’re a super team. They’re loaded. Matthew Stafford. Puka Nacua, Davante Adams. Aaron Donald. Myles Garrett. What else is there to say? What’s the point of even playing? There is no point. They’re too good. They’re too powerful. Every other team should find some other thing to do on Sundays, because playing football this year is futile. The Rams are inevitable. They will conquer all. In fact, they already have…
This is what the national media told us all offseason. It was nonstop. The Rams praise was everywhere, on every site and every channel — but no one was more certain than Bill Plaschke in the Los Angeles Times:
…The Rams will go 20-0 en route to winning another Super Bowl at home.
Coach Sean McVay is staying humble in how he is approaching the season, but it’s clear this Rams team is poised to be among the all-time greats in NFL history.
The season will begin 7,921 miles from home, and end in their own backyard.
They will be untouched through it all.
The Rams upcoming 22-week journey will take them far and wide, from Melbourne, Australia to Washington, D.C. and back to SoFi, a circuitous and challenging journey with but one consistent stop.
The win column.
The Rams are not losing a game.
Seventeen-and-oh in a favorable regular season schedule.
Three-and-oh in a postseason conducted entirely at home.
An NFL record combined 20-0 culminating in a Super Bowl LXI victory on Valentine’s Day at SoFi Stadium.
And Bill Plaschke must know his stuff. He was on Around the Horn. Think of all the Around the Horn points he’s accumulated in his life. Must be thousands. Millions. Billions… If he tells us the Rams aren’t going to lose a game, we have no choice but to believe him…
Then the Rams actually played a game on Thursday night and got their asses whooped by San Francisco, losing 27-7.
The real, non-Plaschke version of what the Rams looked like
Stafford looked old and bad. He was limited to 15-of-25 passing for 155 yards, no touchdowns, and 1 interception. His top receiver was Puka Nacua, who had just 5 catches for 74 yards on 9 targets. His other star receiver, Davante Adams, was held to 3 receptions for 26 yards on 6 targets. The Rams offense was 2 of 9 (22.2%) on third downs and 1 for 3 on fourth downs.
These are bad numbers, but the eye test was even worse:
On the other side of the ball, the Rams’ HOF defensive line had zero sacks and just two quarterback hits on Brock Purdy. They were also dominated in the run game — San Francisco averaged 5.8 yards per carry on the ground, led by Christian McCaffrey (10 carries, 68 yards) and Kaelon Black (14 carries, 65 yards).
The coverage wasn’t much better. Purdy completed 73.5% of his passes (25-of-34) and had three passing touchdowns — a 39-yard strike to Demarcus Robinson, a 15-yarder to Deebo Samuel, and a 2-yard red-zone score to Mike Evans. Purdy had the time and space to pick the Rams’ D apart through the entire second half, which showed up in the time of possession, too: the Niners held possession for 33:50 compared to just 26:10 for the Rams.
In short, LA got handled in pretty much every aspect of the game. Got so bad that McVay waved the white flag by taking Stafford out and putting in backup QB Stetson Bennett.
Really good stuff. I enjoyed this very much. Good luck to Rams fans trying to cope by blaming the long Australia flight. Hope that works for you guys.
In conclusion, I hereby deduct five hundred thousand points from Bill Plashke and mute him for the rest of the season.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com