News

Every Single Xfinity Customer Apparently had their Data Stolen

By Kyle Pagan

Published: Dec 20th, 2023 · 1:43 PM EST

---

Guess how many customers Comcast has? 35.8 million. Guess how many customers had their data stolen? 35.8 million according to this story from Megan Cerullo at CBS News:

A security breach at Comcast-owned Xfinity has exposed the personal data of nearly all the internet provider’s customers, including account usernames, passwords and answers to their security questions. 

Comcast said in a filing with Maine’s attorney general’s office that the hack affected 35.8 million people, with the media and technology giant notifying customers of the attack through its website and by email, the company said Monday. The intrusion stems from a vulnerability in software from cloud computing company Citrix, according to Comcast.

Unprecedented shit. Every single person had their info stolen. That’s basically the population of California. How is this not a bigger story?

Usually when customer data is stolen from a company, it’s like 20% of consumers. I’ve never seen a company be like, “Yeaaa you’re all fucked.” 100% of customers is insane. Waiting two months to let us know is even crazier. It’s not just passwords and shit either. It’s your contact information, the last four of your Social, credit card info and more. It explains why I woke up last week to $1,000 worth of concert tickets that were purchased at 4 a.m.. Why the hell did my bill just increase again if you can’t make sure all my info isn’t in Putin’s hands right now? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have much to steal. Take it all. It’s the principle God dammit. Where’s the accountability? My football team is on a three-game losing streak and now I’ve got to deal with getting a new credit card?

As a former employee of the Mothership, who admittedly enjoyed their time there, even though I was secretly quiet quitting before quiet quitting went mainstream, this is just another notch in the belt for why people hate the place. Believe it or not, there is actually a sick job at Comcast in a department called “War Games.” It’s a job where you spend all day trying to hack into Comcast to create a security threat. I just imagine a bunch of nerds sitting in a dark room with Red Bull cans littering the floor and listening to death metal trying to breach the system and steal your grandmother’s data. Like JP’s office from Grandma’s Boy:

Turns out they missed something.

P.S. Yes, I was undefeated on those phishing attack emails they tried to get you with. Free Amazon gift card? Don’t you know I grew up in the era of Nigerian Princes and porn viruses? Gonna have to be a lot quicker than that, Brian Roberts.

P.P.S. SELL THE TEAM: