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Look at These Futuristic Bastards SEPTA Wants to Replace the El Fleet With
By Kyle Pagan
Published:
Look at this futuristic bastard!
The future looks amazing! No trash or needles, no dude zonked out on the seats, no lady talking on the speaker phone, no dancers hanging from the poles poppin’ and lockin’, no cramped and discolored seats! These are going to be amazing to take to the new 76ers arena! Can we have them now?
SEPTA has taken the first step toward replacing its aging Market-Frankford line cars.
The transit agency awarded a $724 million contract to a company to build a brand new fleet.
The company, Hitachi Rail STS USA, will deliver the first 200 cars starting in 2029.
Features of the new trains include greater passenger capacity, digital displays with real-time information, gangways between cars instead of sliding doors, which makes it easier for officers to see the length of the train, handholds for standing riders, and staggered doors to make it easier to get on and off.
Digital displays? Check. Handholds? Seems standard, but this is SEPTA we’re talking about. They just gave us the ability to pay with our phones. By the time we get handholds other cities will have something so much cooler. Gangways? Very European! Chances I ever even ride these? 10%. I’ll probably be in the burbs by 2029 and morph into a suburban patriot who is afraid to even ride the R5. Like this guy:
I guess whoever designed these renderings took creative liberties. This dude wouldn’t be caught dead on the El. He’d see one kid in a shiesty and shit his freshly-pressed Calvin Klein dress pants. He takes an Uber from Northern Liberties to his job in Center City every single day.
The company in charge, Hitachi Rail STS USA, is based in Pittsburgh. They just released the pilot for a train system in Baltimore. Notice anything?
Steelers colors in Baltimore? What a troll! I love it. But don’t try that shit in Philly. I know you’re all mad that the new license plate has a giant Liberty Bell on it. But don’t take it out on us. Without Philadelphia you’d be speaking British. You know what, I actually dare you try to pull a fast one over on the good people of Philadelphia. Make that car look like a bumblebee and Paul Skenes won’t be the only one on fire in Pittsburgh.
Kyle writes blog posts and does Man on the Street-style videos all around Philadelphia. He graduated from Temple University (a basketball school) in 2015. contact: k.pagan@sportradar.com