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Pennsylvania is Starting to Get its Shit Together With Where You Can Buy Alcohol

By Kyle Pagan

Published: Jul 26th, 2024 · 9:58 AM EDT

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Absolute game changer coming to Pennsylvania. Crossing Broad reader Governor Shapiro just signed a bill into law that will allow canned cocktails like Surfside, High Noon, Cutwaters, and Long Drink in beer distributors, grocery stores, gas stations, and more according to Brady Doran at ABC27 in Harrisburg:

Getting your favorite mixed drinks is now easier than ever after Governor Josh Shapiro signed legislature allowing more stores to get a special ready-to-drink cocktail permit.

Senate Bill 688 allows locations in Pennsylvania that are already licensed to sell alcohol, like bars and select grocery stores, to apply for a ready-to-drink cocktail permit.

The State Senate approved the bill 32 to 17 before sending it to Governor Shapiro’s desk.

According to the bill sponsored by Senator Mike Regan, 12,000 restaurants, bars, beer distributors, grocery stores, and convenience stores can apply for the new permit. The law restricts the sale of canned cocktails to before 11 p.m., and they must have an alcohol content of below 12.5%

The law will go into effect 60 days after it’s signed. Just in time for football season! Cue the New Jersey arrogance in 3…2…1. Blah, blah, blah. Continue to sit in your car while you let another man pump your gas, pussssssssy!

Listen, the alcohol laws are archaic in Pennsylvania. That’s what happens when your state is founded by a bunch of Quakers. Thanks, Billy Penn. I don’t know where in the Constitution it says thou has a right to only sell alcohol in government-owned stores, but can we figure out a way to change that please? Throw us a bone for the 250th anniversary of this great nation. Imagine how many tourists are going to be confused when they go to a Wawa and they can’t buy a couple 30 racks while going to celebrate America’s independence. If the Gov wants to win PA during his 2028 Presidential campaign he’ll swing your Fox News dad real quickly if he only has to stop once on the way down the shore. Enough of this two stops crap. Enough of the 192 oz rule in grocery stores that forces me trek all the way back to my car just to come back in and buy some more from the same cashier like he didn’t just see me. It doesn’t make sense I can only buy four bottles of wine in a grocery store, but in a Wine & Spirits I can buy the entire shelf. Imagine explaining that to someone from another state who can buy six cases, a scratch off, two Slim Jims, and some cigs while they’re filling up their tank. It’ll never happen because in the one article I read the state profits mightily and these stores employ 5,000 workers in good-paying, union-based jobs. Fine. Can we get more wiggle room at least?

I’m not an economist, but this will drop prices now since there’s more competition, right? Right? The price of these vodka soda seltzers are getting out of hand.

Oh you want me to power rank the Stateside Vodka Sodas eh? Pound for pound the best canned cocktail out there right now? Don’t mind if I do:

1. Lemon Cucumber Mint
2. Orange
3. Pineapple
4. Black Cherry
5. Ruby Grapefruit
6. Watermelon
7. Peach

Apparently these Finnish Long Drinks are amazing too. Might have to get my hands on some this weekend.