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Rob Thomson (Allegedly) Unloads a Mid-Press Conference Fart
By Kyle Pagan
Published:
The caption on this says it all. Nothing I can say up here will be better than what I tweeted. Take one of the most famous Phillies moments and make a fart joke out of it. That’s how you Internet, folks:
Now typically I’d say we should have to do an investigation into who the farter was. That’s just good journalism. Was it one of the beat reporters, filled up on pasteurized dairy from Frankie Two Scoops in the media room? Was it a comms person over in the corner near a hot mic who loaded up on free hot dogs all night? Or was it Topper? It was, without a doubt in my mind, Topper.
This is pretty cut and dry. Topper definitely let one rip and a hot mic caught it. That little pregnant pause gave it away. He was doing his best to let one rip subtly so that no one heard and he failed. No shame in the game. We’ve all been there. That one definitely was a lot louder than he expected. No one knows their body better than the host. By the time you’ve lived long enough like Topper, you know which farts are going to be little and which are going to bring the house down. It’s those ones in the middle that are tough to figure out. It’s like a draft. The guys in the earlier rounds are the cream of the crop. The farts you light in the car or the shower that you know would make any man, woman, or child blush. Then you have the ones in the late rounds. You might hit on one of them here or there, but most likely there are going to be casualties. You let those rip at church or a funeral and be respectful when you end up releasing them. It’s the middle rounds where anything can happen. You can find your running back for the next decade or miss on every single one from rounds 3-5. It’s literal boom or bust and Topper went boom on this one.
Happy to pass along my research to Top if I ever see him. I’m a serial farter in the most high-pressure situations. There’s a chance if you’ve talked to me in the lots or somewhere I was laying farts and you didn’t even know it. That’s how good I am. There’s a science to it. You gotta shift your weight to one side. Lift the leg a little to let enough air roll out and so that it doesn’t rumble on a wooden pew or a plastic chair. My hands down favorite spot to rip farts, other than the shower, is on an airplane because it’s so loud and something about being 30,000 in the air never makes them smell. Must be the barometric pressure.
What a night for regional programming. We had Topper lighting fireworks a little to late into July and Ruben Amaro Jr. couldn’t stop thinking about Cristopher Sanchez on the dick:
Kyle writes blog posts and does Man on the Street-style videos all around Philadelphia. He graduated from Temple University (a basketball school) in 2015. contact: k.pagan@sportradar.com