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We Must Do Something About Well-Known Scumbag Dalton Rushing Talking Shit to Bryson Stott
By Matt Schultz
Published:
This clip of Dalton Rushing talking some shit to Bryson Stott during the Phillies/Dodgers game on Thursday night has been making the rounds, and I gotta say… it has me pissed… I don’t like what I’m seeing here:
The nads on this guy. Acting like he’s not Dalton Rushing. Like he wouldn’t be riding the bench as a backup all season if Will Smith didn’t hurt his neck. Like he didn’t just post a 204/.258/.324 (.582 OPS) slash line last year. Like he didn’t just get absolutely humiliated by Shohei Ohtani like a month ago — maybe worse than anyone I’ve seen by their own teammate:
Like he isn’t an infamous clown better known for being a troll than his play – like punching Jung Hoo Lee in the ribs and saying “Fuck him” after he’s injured:
Or running his mouth by calling Miguel Amaya a “fat fuck” after he got stolen on:
Or throwing tantrums and breaking bats over his knee and hitting himself in the head with a bat like a CTE-riddled dumb shit:
The guy sucks. Not that it’s news. The baseball world has known this guy sucks for a while. He’s been going viral as a general piece of shit pretty much every week for the entire season – but now that he’s brought his brand of scumminess to the Phillies, I feel like I can’t let it slide. The war has hit the homeland. I won’t stand for it. This affects me now. This affects all of us. He was snarky to Bryson. We gotta do something… The question is what…
My proposal is simple: The Phillies should bean Rushing every time he’s at the plate for the rest of time. It’s a lifelong sentence. The Phils never let up. The moment he’s in the box, he’s taking 95 mph to the shin/thigh/back. Nothing crazy. No one’s injuring the guy. It’ll be just painful/annoying enough that every time he sees Philly on the schedule, he’s going to feel a sense of dread. It’ll rise in his stomach. It’ll be Pavlovian. Even seeing the letter ‘P’ in his regular life will make his elbow/forearm slightly sting. He’ll know what’s coming…
This plan would accomplish a few important things:
-It lets him know he’s not our kind of guy.
-It upholds the ancient law of “talk shit, get hit.”
-It’d make the Phillies folk heroes among the rest of MLB, who assuredly also can’t stand this guy.
The world needs rules. Justice. Order. Someone’s gotta stop this stuff. They say that a hero can save us. The Phillies can’t stand here and wait…
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com