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10 Alternate Modes of Transportation LeBron James Can Use if the Fanatics Helicopter Becomes Unavailable
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As you know, LeBron James is currently commuting between New York and Philadelphia via helicopter. He’s using a Fanatics-branded chopper as part of the 2024 sponsorship deal he signed with Michael Rubin’s company.
The chopper commute is totally legitimate and legal. It’s not some Aspiration and Kawhi Leonard situation, as haters allege. LeBron became a Fanatics partner two years before he joined the Sixers and his deal includes access to Fanatics’ “corporate aviation.” He’s done actual work for the company, unlike Kawhi, who did nothing.
But I was thinking that if the helicopter is not available, perhaps down for maintenance, LeBron could rely on one or more of these transportation methods instead:
1. Monster Truck
LeBron could borrow Grave Digger and use it to commute back and forth. Instead of waiting in traffic like everyone else, he will simply crush the cars in front of him and keep things moving at a reliable clip.
2. a Mad Max caravan
This would be pretty sick.
LeBron could put together a collection of vehicles equipped with machine guns, rocket launchers, and huge speakers, but instead of playing heavy metal music, the guy with the double guitar is playing “Here Come the Sixers.” Then they ride down the I-95 median or shoulder while terrorizing the other drivers and striking fear into their hearts. You have to set the tone not just on the floor, but off of it as well.
3. Riding on the back of Philly Captain’s bike
You know how Philly Captain rides his bike around and films his vlogs? Do you think he has pegs on the back of it? Remember when your friend had pegs on his bike and you’d stand on the back and ride around the neighborhood?
That’s how LeBron should commute. Captain should ride from Bridesburg to New York and then tell LeBron to stand on his pegs. And they can film the ride. Talk about great content!
4. Battleship New Jersey
It’s just sort of sitting there, isn’t it? You could have someone pilot it south, past Wilmington and around Cape May. Then you ride it up the coast to Manhattan and dock in Battery Park. This actually seems like a great idea. The Battleship could easily be fitted with exercise and film rooms. LeBron can watch the tape of the Sixers putting up 147 against the Charlotte Hornets the night before. He can hop on the stationary bike or maybe get a few shots up.
Who says no?
5. Sandworm
Sources tell Crossing Broad that LeBron James has a very interesting backup plan in the works.
If the helicopter is unavailable, he is prepared to ride a sandworm to Camden. He is equipped with some of those “thumper” things that lure the sandworms and he has already practiced jumping on their backs. It didn’t take him long to get the timing down after practicing with Zendaya. It was one of the things he was working on during the offseason.
Lisan al-Gaib!
6. Horse
LeBron should go all Central Asia on us and ride a horse to Philadelphia. This would be an eco-friendly mode of transportation. No burning of fossil fuels, no idling in traffic, no need to charge up the horse like an electric vehicle.
And in order to make sure these animals are being treated fairly, we will designate two Sixers interns to run the stables. “Equine assistants.” These individuals will be in charge of stocking water and feed in Camden and New York, and disposing of waste and whatnot.
“You work for the Sixers? That’s so cool! What do you do?”
“I take care of the horses that LeBron James rides back and forth to Camden!”
7. Fired out of a cannon
The ‘ole human cannonball method of transportation.
Harris Blitzer Sports and Entertainment needs to set up a huge, stationary cannon in Brooklyn, like it’s a Death Star installation. LeBron puts on some goggles and a cape and they fire him out of this thing to Camden, where a huge trampoline/parachute thing is waiting to cushion his fall.
Then the cannon is turned around, loaded with munitions, and fired upon Brooklyn hipster installations. A 2-fer!
8. carried by servants while sitting on a throne
We’ll call this one the “Xerxes.”
LeBron could find some plebes to carry him to Camden while he sits on an elaborate throne, carved out of the finest white marble.
“I am a generous god. I can make you rich beyond all measure. I will make you warlord of all South Jersey. You will carry my battle standard to the heart of Gainbridge Fieldhouse. Your Bostonian rivals will kneel at your feet if you will but kneel at mine.”
9. hang glider
Not sure how high you would actually have to be, but if LeBron walked to the top of the Empire State Building and jumped off the top, he might have enough of an angle to simply float all the way down to Camden. Maybe he could wear one of those squirrel suit things, you know what I’m saying? Like it’s not a hang glider but instead you spread your arms out and there is fabric that makes you look like a small flying mammal. LeBron will glide into Xfinity Mobile Arena wearing a wingsuit and drop 24/10/10 on the Bucks.
10. just borrow Josh Harris or Jay Sugarman’s helicopter
Philadelphia has a rich history of sports team owners coming down from New York on helicopters. If Michael Rubin’s chopper isn’t available, LeBron could simply call up Josh Harris or Jay Sugarman.
GET TO THE CHOPPAH NOW!
honorable mentions: trebuchet, nuclear submarine, E-Bike, walking, Star Trek teleportation device
Kevin has been writing about Philadelphia sports since 2009. He spent seven years in the CBS 3 sports department and started with the Union during the team's 2010 inaugural season. He went to the academic powerhouses of Boyertown High School and West Virginia University. email - k.kinkead@sportradar.com