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An A+ Performance: Tony Romo’s DUI Footage is as Good as These Things Can Get
By Matt Schultz
Published:
DUI’s aren’t great. No one wants them. Driving under the influence is bad. But of course, these things happen, and when they do – especially to celebrities whose arrest footage gets released online later – they usually go pretty rough. The celebrity always comes off like an asshole. They say embarrassing stuff. Justin Timberlake comes to mind. Remember his DUI video? Remember when he couldn’t explain to the cop what he was doing in town? He kept saying, “I’m on a world tour,” and when the officer asked what he meant, Justin said, “It’s hard to explain…” –
How is it hard to explain? Just say you’re a musician. Say you play music. That’s easy to explain. It’s one word: “Music.” You can add “dance” in there if you want. “What am I doing in town? Music and dance, pretty much.” Done. That wasn’t hard at all.
Anyway, Tony Romo’s DUI footage just got released, and it was not that. Considering how ugly these things can get, and how vulnerable a position this is to be in, I actually thought Romo came off pretty great. He wasn’t pompous. Wasn’t aggro. And he was pretty funny. Here’s some stuff I particularly enjoyed:
Tony Romo Warming Up Before Doing a Field Sobriety Test
So funny. This is so much stretching. Gotta figure it’s a bad idea to do this sort of thing before a field sobriety test. Usually when people stretch, it’s because they’re about to do something arduous and difficult. You don’t want the cops to think that you see a field sobriety test as arduous and difficult. You want the cops to think that you believe you could do this in your sleep. Bad idea.
Tony Romo Takes a Long, Regretful Pause After Being Asked if He’s Had Any Head Injuries
I just Googled it: Tony Romo was sacked 248 times in his 13-year career. And you can see every single one of them flash before his eyes in that moment:
“Did I Pass This Test?” [Cop Brings Out Handcuffs] “No I Didn’t, Huh.”
lmao
Three Small Throwaway Moments That Were Good
1) at 0:03 seconds:
ROMO: “Were you speaking on a speaker back there?”
COP: “I was.”
ROMO: “I didn’t even know you guys had those.”
That’s just good small talk. Good observation. The officer never really seemed to warm up all that much, but Romo did what he could. He brought the charm. Tried to have some fun. That’s the right attitude to bring to a DUI, in my opinion. Let’s make the most out of it. Let’s talk about what kind of equipment cops have in their cars, then air out whether I thought they had that level of technology or not, and maybe brainstorm some other kinds of tech that’d be cool for them to have.
2) at 0:16 seconds:
COP: “…The reason for my stop today is your unsafe passing on the right heading across the gore.”
ROMO: “What’s the gore?”
COP: “The gore?”
ROMO: “Yes.”
COP: “It’s the marked area.”
ROMO: “…Gotcha.”
He did not understand this at all. Neither did I. The hell is a gore?
3) at 0:31 seconds:
COP: “Where are you coming from?”
ROMO: “The golf course. And I’m going to meet Grandma and Grandpa.”
Him omitting the “my” before “grandma and grandpa” while talking to a cop who just pulled him over rules. The way he says it feels like it’s also the cop’s grandma and grandpa. Like the cop was headed there too. “What are you pulling me over for? We’re gonna be late to Grammy and Grampy’s. We can talk about field sobriety tests when we get there. They can watch me do them from the kitchen window. Then maybe they can take turns trying the walks and stuff. It’ll be good for them to get out of the house. They need their steps.”
Overall, as far as the footage goes, I don’t think Tony has much to beat himself up about here. Grading it on a scale of every other DUI video I’ve ever seen, this is an easy A+. Think he presented himself pretty well. I’m also not entirely sure he was under the influence. He seemed pretty much fine to me. Seems like these cops may have done him a little dirty. Also, why wasn’t he allowed to call his lawyer? What’s going on there?
Maybe these officers should leave Romo be and focus on getting real criminals off the street… like this menace… –
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com