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We Were So Close to Having a Tornado in Philly
By Kyle Pagan
Published:
This video is nuts. Is this in Oklahoma? Kansas? No, it’s Philadelphia. How the hell are there tornados in Philadelphia now? Weather in Philly is chaos right now:
This has to be the wettest summer in the history of this city. Am I going to look that up? No. I’m gonna eyeball it like my forefathers intended. I like a storm as much as the next guy, but in moderation. It feels like every single day around dinner time the heavens open up and we’re getting smoked by another storm. Even your dad at this point is muttering, “We didn’t need this.” We’re becoming Florida. One moment it’s hot as shit, the next it’s sideways rain. Then the skies turn a yellow you’ve never seen before and the humidity is back. You never know what you’re going to get. Kind of like the Phillies lineup.
We’ve got tornadoes, flash flood warnings, and geyser manholes:
Back in my day, during the summer, you put your hard hat on, brought your lunch pail to work, and dealt with swamp ass. I’d bring two dress shirts with me when I commuted to Comcast because I’d sweat through the first one by the time I got there. It was 98° and the humidity was off the charts for an entire week, but you knew Philadelphia was going to feel like Hell rose up out of the ground from mid-June to September and dealt with it. Now we’ve got GEYSER FREAKING MANHOLES PEOPLE!?
And listen, I can deal with a rough week of heat, or thunder and lightning, but when you start introducing tornadoes that’s where you lose me. I’m sure the main reasons my ancestors settled here was because of the wooder ice and they were promised zero tornadoes. That bad boy up there was doing everything in it’s power to funnel. Imagine the trashnadoes that thing would’ve produced. Leave that shit for the flyover states. I don’t care how beautiful the sky looks after:
I mean look at this 10-day starting Monday. It’s Groundhog Day:
Is this the new kind of seasonal depression where it just rains 24/7 so you can’t do anything after work? No happy hours, no SIPs, no fun. You gotta race back to your house to take the pads off of the deck chairs so they don’t get ruined. We’ve got soccer moms weaving in out of traffic on 76 trying to get home in time to bring the plants inside. Relax, Mother Nature. I haven’t seen a woman this furious since Mayor Parker last week.
Kyle writes blog posts and does Man on the Street-style videos all around Philadelphia. He graduated from Temple University (a basketball school) in 2015. contact: k.pagan@sportradar.com