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Who’s Been Keeping Matvei Michkov Away From Lower Bucks and its Top-Notch Russian Bathhouses?

By Matt Schultz

Published: Sep 16th, 2026 · 9:15 AM EDT

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As Kinker wrote last week, Matvei Michkov mentioned that the only downside to Philadelphia is that there are no Russian bathhouses. Michkov really likes these banyas, and he didn’t just say it once. He said it many, many times in a clip that’s only twenty-seven seconds long:

Let me just drop a super subtle hint about what's going to influence Matvey's contract decision 😉 very, very subtle 😂 pic.twitter.com/22bHqhDXJv

— Uggg (@Uggg_uggg) September 9, 2026

And as Kinker correctly pointed out, Michkov is dead wrong about this. I mean, maybe there are no banyas in Philadelphia proper. I’d have to Google that. But either way, it’s not important. In this case, the boundaries of the city are largely arbitrary and do not matter. What matters is whether Michkov can easily access Russian bathhouses, and the answer is a resounding yes: I am certain there are anywhere between five and one thousand Russian bathhouses in the Greater Northeast/Lower Bucks area.

I grew up in Trevose, and to my memory, these places are everywhere. I feel like there was a Russian bathhouse every fifty yards driving down County Line and Byberry and Street Road and Bustleton and Brownsville and Buck Road and Philmont. I feel like every other strip mall in Feasterville had one. Pretty sure this whole general area has a pretty big Russian/Eastern European population. A bunch of kids I played hockey with growing up at Face-Off in Warminster spoke Russian. I feel like a quick Google would confirm this. Let me check:

Yeah. See. Also feel like if I search “Russian bathhouses in Philly” on Google Maps, all of these places I’m thinking of will come up. Let me try it:

Yeah. There they are. Also, when I just Googled “Russian bathhouses in Philly,” Southampton Spa popped up immediately:

This great Philly Magazine article about Southampton Spa came up, too.

I remember reading this when it came out, and it makes the place sound incredible (apparently the food is very good there):

So there are some add-on services you can tack onto your bill — massages, body scrubs, something called a platza (which many consider a bathhouse-must) — but $40 dollars will get you in the door and access to Southampton’s myriad steam rooms, dry saunas, and ice baths. Bring a friend, or, even better, a crew. It’s more fun that way. Plus, for groups of five or more, there’s a free shuttle unmarked white van (driven by a man named Oleg who, apparently, likes to drink his milk straight from the half-gallon jug) that will pick you up from anywhere in Philly.

And all this leaves me wondering: who is keeping Matvei Michkov away from Lower Bucks? Doesn’t it seem like all this should’ve been on his radar? Doesn’t he have Google? If he’s going to mention in a documentary-looking video that there are no banyas in Philly, don’t you think he would’ve done his homework?

To me, this feels targeted. Kind of seems like someone doesn’t want Michkov to know about Lower Bucks and is actively hiding it from him. Maybe it’s the Flyers. Maybe they fear that if Michkov learns how sick Lower Bucks is, he’d never want to play hockey again. They worry he’d have too much fun at the bathhouses. They think he’ll become a full-time bathhouse guy. Also, if the food is that good, maybe they’re concerned he’d put all the weight he lost back on, plus some. I could see that.

In any case, I think Michkov deserves to know the truth. Lower Bucks is out there. They got good baths out on Second Street Pike. He should pop in. Maybe buy some property up that way. It’s a good spot. Could check out the Neshaminy Mall before it’s too late, too. Plenty to do out there.