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World Cup 2026 Draw: USA Should Absolutely Advance from this Group

By Kevin Kinkead

Published: Dec 5th, 2025 · 2:08 PM EST

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After more than an hour of ceremonial FIFA horse shit,* they finally pulled the ping pong balls and the United States will play the following teams in the 2026 World Cup group stage:

• June 12th: vs. Paraguay (in Los Angeles)
• June 19th: vs. Australia (in Seattle)
• June 25th: vs. Turkiye, Romania, Slovakia, or Kosovo (in Los Angeles)

This is a very favorable group for the U.S.

Australia was the lowest-ranked team in Pot 2, and Paraguay is an average South American side. If we bring our A game we should beat those teams on home soil.

The third opponent is yet to be determined, and will be the winner of the Path C European playoff. Those games take place in March, with Slovakia playing Kosovo, then Turkiye against Romania. The winner of that bracket makes the World Cup.

Path C isn’t bad at all in terms of a threat. Path A features Italy and is a the European playoff team you most wanted to avoid. The U.S. avoided tough Pot 2 teams like Croatia, Morocco, Colombia, and Uruguay.

If we don’t get out of this group it’s a total failure, honestly.

Anyway, FIFA had Tom Brady, Wayne Gretzky, Shaq, and Aaron Judge pulling the ping pong balls. Pretty good crew. It just took forever to get on with the program, to the point where all the British wankers overseas were complaining about some “Yank shite” as if we somehow prefer this. It wasn’t Yank shite, it was FIFA shite. We hate it as much as you do!

*Seriously, it was so bad. They made up a fake peace prize to give to Trump. And that’s not me being a liberal soy boy; it would have been cringe if they gave it to Governor Shapiro or some Democrat. Nobody tunes in to the World Cup draw to see FIFA suck up to politicians.