Villanova

I Can Look Past a Lot of Things in the Catholic Church, But Not This

By Kyle Pagan

Published: Jun 5th, 2025 · 3:20 PM EDT

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I’ve decided I will be self-excommunicating from the Catholic Church. As a Temple alumnus I no longer feel welcomed in my faith after the Pope is so clearly joining sides. I knew that equality chatter Pope Frankie was blabbering about all those years was BS. So with that being said, I’m a free agent of faith:

Pope Leo XIV briefly took off his zucchetto and replaced it with the hat of his alma mater, Villanova University, on Wednesday, as he met with members of the National Italian American Foundation at the Vatican. The group had given the pontiff the hat during the visit. pic.twitter.com/JQRjtQ1Wnn

— CBS News (@CBSNews) June 5, 2025

Now that I’m looking for applications I feel like I can offer a pretty competitive reasoning to my new faith why I should be your guy.

Hit the music:

What am I looking for in my new faith? Well I’m hoping for a service where I can both eat and drink. I won’t be there a lot though. I’m typically a one, maybe two times a year guy so I’m looking for that same schedule. I can do without a homily so if you don’t have a geezer up there spouting off about god knows what (literally), get back to me! I can also do without kneeling. I’m getting old. I’m long and gangly. Can’t kneel like I used to. Genuflecting is out the window. So if you don’t kneel 70 times a mass, reach out. Up, down, up, down, left, right, shake hands. Feels like I’m trying to unlock a cheat code on PS2 and it’s just so I can eat the Body and Blood of Christ. I’ll need a choir, though. If you have a choir that belts out “Our God is an Awesome God” you’re shooting right to the top of the list. Baptists, I’m looking at you. I’ve enjoyed all eight Sister Act movies (I know it’s based in a Catholic church but come on, it’s Baptist).

What can I offer? I’m 6’5, 235 on a good day. A Goliath if you will. If you’re looking for a David I am not your guy. If you’re looking to beef up your dating profile on Hinge I’m your guy. Jews I know you like what you’re hearing, but unfortunately….

Disqualifiers: No disrespect to the Chosens, but you’re gonna need to sit this one out. A little too hot in the streets right now. Let’s let all that rigmarole die down and we can explore something potentially in the future. Episcopalians, this is where you slide in. I’ve always heard you guys are Catholic-lite except you don’t have to do all the Catholic bullshit and don’t wake up with that crutch of guilt every single day. The Episcopalians are making a strong play for my services. It’s like signing a big contract for a team in Texas or Florida with no state income tax. I love that they only recognize Baptism and Communion as the main sacraments. No shade to Confirmation, but you’re the Miami Marlins of Sacraments. People only care about Confirmation when there are other Catholics in the room and they can ask, “What’s your Confirmation name?” Just like no one in the NL East cares about the Marlins until they’re on their schedule. I’ll have to do some more research on Protestants. I think Martin Luther was the bro when you really pull back the layers. But Kyle, what about Buddhism? Well, I don’t look good in orange and I don’t shut the fuck up. This is exciting! Can’t wait to throw my hat into the ring (not a yarmulke) for the 2025 Faith Draft!