Eagles

Ranking Every NFL Team Based on Which Deserves the Highest Tariff Rate

By Kevin Kinkead

Published: Apr 3rd, 2025 · 2:01 PM EDT

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If you read the news or follow politics, tariffs are all the rage these days.

President Trump introduced a list of tariff rates for a number of countries this week, with varying percentages based on something or other.

Keeping with the theme, we ranked all 32 NFL teams in order of who deserves the lowest tariff rate to who deserves the highest tariff rate:

1. Philadelphia Eagles – 0% (defending Super Bowl champions)
2. Tennessee Titans – 1% (totally harmless, just struggling to be relevant)
3. Dallas Cowboys – 2% (they waste enough money already and aren’t very good, so tariffs are likely ineffective)
4. Jacksonville Jaguars – 5% (low rates to make the AFC South a more competitive division)
5. Indianapolis Colts – 5% (see above)
6. Houston Texans – 6% (added a percentage point because they did not live up to 2024 preseason hype)
7. Las Vegas Raiders – 7% (penalized for not winning a playoff game since the first George W. Bush term)
8. Carolina Panthers – 8% (for putting up too much of a fight against the Birds this past season)
9. Atlanta Falcons – 10% (simply for drafting Michael Penix Jr. after signing Kirk Cousins to a big contract)
10. Arizona Cardinals – 12% (progressive Jonathan Gannon payments for getting waxed by Andy Reid in Super Bowl 57)
11. LA Chargers – 13% (honestly can’t think of anything to write here, does anyone care about the Chargers?)
12. Denver Broncos – 15% (for letting the Chiefs run that division as long as they have)
13. Baltimore Ravens – 20% (for having Lamar Jackson and still failing to get to the Super Bowl)
14. Miami Dolphins – 25% (look, when it’s been a quarter-century since your last playoff win, you have to pay up)
15. Chicago Bears – 30% (the money goes back to the fans who have watched 15 years of slop)
16. Seattle Seahawks – 31% (for throwing the goal line interception in the Super Bowl instead of giving the god damn ball to Marshawn Lynch)
17. Cincinnati Bengals – 35% (dunno, maybe for being in Ohio)
18. New Orleans Saints – 100% (annoying fans, Sean Payton was an asshole for many years, etc)
19. Minnesota Vikings – 150% (a cumulative tariff rate going back to the disrespectful SKOL chant at the Rocky statue)
20. LA Rams – 175% (for almost beating the Eagles in the Snow Bowl instead of going away quietly)
21. New England Patriots – 200% (yeah they suck now, but deserve many more years of suckitude to make up for the Tom Brady era)
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 250% (kind of an annoying franchise with some annoying wins over the Birds)
23. New York Jets – 275% (for being the Jets)
24. Cleveland Browns – 300% (for being the Browns)
25. Detroit Lions – 450% (basically for losing to the Commies and making them think they’re better than they actually are)
26. Pittsburgh Steelers – 500% (Yinzer fee goes into repairing Pennsylvania’s roads and bridges)
27. Kansas City Chiefs – 700% (they pay up for making us watch them in every Super Bowl)
28. San Francisco 49ers – 724% (soon to be irrelevant, but we can speed up the process and put that franchise in the trash bin once and for all)
29. Buffalo Bills – 725% (high rates for the Bills because of Sean McDermott’s soft recent comments and their perennial choke jobs)
30. New York Giants – 750% (now John Mara is broke as well as an insomniac)
31. Washington Commanders – 999% (annoying upstart team, division rival, fans are incredibly bad at social media)
32. Green Bay Packers – 1,000,000,000% (used fake arguments in an attempt to get the Tush Push banned)

Thoughts? Could flip 31 and 32 if we’re being totally honest with ourselves. Prepare for Commanders fans to be incredibly bothersome in the coming years. Just the absolute worst of the worst. They get a sniff of the NFC title game and now they’re chirping us on social about rings they won when hair metal was still big. Once we collect all of the tariff money, we will spend it on online slot games! Get in loser, we’re going shopping for PA casino bonuses.