Sixers

Is Joshua Harris the Worst Public Speaker on Earth?

By Kyle Scott

Published: Mar 1st, 2014 · 11:43 PM EST

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One rule to live by: never give a billionaire the mic.

I have no idea what’s wrong with Joshua Harris. I’ve been telling you what an awful public speaker he is. He sounds like what it would sound like if you threw a dozen cats into a bag and listened to them screech as they clawed each other to a painful death, then you took out the remaining cat, grinded his nails off on a chalkboard, and then bought seven distressed companies to increase your net worth to $2.5 billion.
EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeèeeeeeeeeeëeeeeeeeeeyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaaaahhhhhhhhheeeeeeeyyyyyyyynahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyI’M RICH!

I just love the misplaced inflections on in this house! and The Answer! (bass boat). Even Dan Baker is thinking, “Christ, settle down, man! Go easy on the peaks and valleys. You’re making the fans NaUSeOus.”

Bonus at the 1:19 mark when they turn the spotlight off on Harris, who was wearing some sort of weird, rich guy cargo pants. Didn’t matter, though, because he had already gotten, however awkwardly, to the big announcement of the night: the Sixers’ retirement gift to AI– A FREE FREAKING BOAT. A BASS BOAT!

I have no idea what the value of that thing is, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t meet the minimum on most blackjack tables Iverson plays. He grossed $200 million during his career and Harris could buy his home state of Virginia. Couldn’t we have done better than a 12-foot dingy that costs less than a base model Accord? I mean, a boat’s a boat, but Iverson should’ve taken the mystery box. It could’ve been anything– even a boat!