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Today In “Kyle’s Not Going In The Ocean This Summer”

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jul 6th, 2015 · 4:45 PM EDT

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THEY’VE ARRIVED OFF THE JERSEY COAST.

From NBC 10:

Lifeguards in two Jersey Shore towns called swimmers out of the Atlantic Ocean Monday afternoon after spotting sharks close to shore.

Margate City Beach Patrol spotted a fin off the Gladstone Avenue beach just before 1 p.m., officials said.

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In Avalon, about 27 miles south, bathers in a six block area — between 26th and 32nd Streets — after lifeguards spotted a small shark in waist-deep water. Swimming was stopped three times over two hours. Beach patrol estimated the shark to be around 4-feet long.

These sharks have some real balls, hanging off the coast of Avalon. Don’t they know the locals pay taxes to prevent even the tiniest of inconveniences? You can’t expect Daddy Warbucks to sit back on the dunes and not be out on the high seas on his midlife crisis-inspired longboard. The locals simply won’t stand for this.

But for real, we’re all gonna die.