Eagles

What the Hell Was Carson Wentz Doing on the 9th Street Beach in Ocean City?

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jul 6th, 2016 · 10:00 AM EDT

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Carson Wentz is trying to ENGENDER warm feelings in the community, just hanging on the Ocean City beach over the weekend. This picture, dug up by Reddit, was taken – or at least posted – on Saturday by (@keenanbox) right on 9th street in Ocean City. Remarkably, it seems no one noticed him. There are no other mentions on Twitter or Instagram – that we could find – of Wentz, the Eagles quarterback and whitest athlete ever, being on maybe the most crowded beach in all of the Jersey Shore (I don’t count anything above Atlantic City as the Jersey Shore– those are New York beaches).

Now, a few things: 1) Sam Bradford wouldn’t be caught dead on a public beach in New Jersey. No way he’d open himself up to ridicule or heckling, or just mere attention, like everyman Wentz. I could see Bradford having an advance team just to make sure his chosen beach has been swept of mongrel Eagles fans. 2) As someone who is writing this in Ocean City, just blocks from where the picture was taken, I am allowed to offer our quarterback this advice: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN? 9th street beach in Ocean City? Have some damned respect for your millionaire self. Did you get a good rate at a motel, or fall in with those religious zealots on 8th who offered you a spot in a shared room with not enough beds and their unqualified loving embrace in exchange for you spreading the word to annoyed boardwalk goers? Do you represent a harem of Eastern European girls who most definitely aren’t sleeping with you in exchange for seasonal positions at Bob’s Lemonade? 9th street in Ocean City is like the McDonalds of beach going– sure, it’s the beach, but a watered down (no pun) version of one where you’re surrounded by the entire gamut of humanity wearing location-inappropriate clothing and the faint smell of something you can’t quite put your finger on but know isn’t good for you. Get to Avalon or Stone Harbor, my man. Or at least head South a few blocks. Maybe go to Sea Isle if you want to fuel your alcoholism. Wildwood if you want to get an STD. Margate if you want to strike an endorsement deal with a well-to-do local business magnate or mobster (or both). Ventnor… actually, don’t go to Ventnor. But 9th Street in Ocean City? Brave, man. Brave. 3) Wait, what, Wentz was in San Diego the next day at Sam Bradford’s football retreat?

4) HE’S WEARING THE SAME SWIMSUIT! 5) I told you fucking Bradford wouldn’t everyman-it in Jersey. No sir, paddleboards in San Diego. He’s so soft.

OK pretty sure I’ve safely contradicted myself here. Shut it down.