I Hate Sports Right Now… and You Should Too!

Kyle Scott —  April 9, 2013 — 27 Comments

seal

Dying seal photo: Newsday, (@TC_McCarthy)

Excuse me while I screed.

What the hell is going on around here? The Phillies, mostly healthy, are 2-5 to start the season. Watching Roy Halladay pitch right now is like watching an injured seal try to climb onto an iceberg. The fucking thing used to be able to do it so effortlessly. He would just hop on, hop off, hop on, hop off, over and over, because he could. And because it was merry. But not anymore. No, no. The seal has a broken flipper, and it’s horrifying to watch as he struggles to lift himself onto the icy mass. He’s rolling about, trying to twist – force – his way up. He can’t do it. Fuck. This used to be so effortless. Now… look away. Hide the women and children. This is nature’s work. It’s not pretty. He’s going into catatonic shock, flailing about. Rolling like a rudderless jet. Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Oh God, he’s slipping into the freezing water. Someone make this stop. His eyes are hollow. Skin, rubbery (although that may be entirely natural). This pains him. This pains me. Make it stop. MAKE IT STOP! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Why? WHY? Why is this in HD?! I can see everything. Every painful, humiliating grimace. His young are watching. This is horrific. Oh! A killer whale!!!!! This is it. He can’t get away. Roll, little buddy. Roll, roll! Tumble! Electric slide! Too late. The whale is approaching. Roll! Skeet! Something. Do something. Sommmmmtttttthing. Oh no. Ar! No. Ar! Ar!  Noooooo. Ar! Ar! Ar!

Ar!

Ar! A…

……..

r.

Ar.

And that might be the least of the Phillies’ worries.

Take, for example, the middle relief– a halfway house for inherited runners. Stuck in limbo? Don’t worry! Chef Durbin, Mr. Horst and Señor Valdes will guide you around the bases one. bag. at. a. time. Their patented BABIP method uses Chef Durbin’s spicy meatballs to kick off a parade of singles. Then Mr. Horst and Señor Valdes up the ante by giving up a series of devastating doubles and triples. When it’s all said and done, you’ll find yourself back home… and the bases, empty.

That method not work for you? Fear you shant– the rest of the staff will just walk you around the bases. They’ve handed out 26 free passes in seven games. You don’t have to do anything! Just stand there. It’s great for you. Sucks for everyone else, though. Even Obama finds their work a bit too socialistic for his liking.

Staff ace Cole Hamels? He’s 0-2 with a 10-point ERA. So don’t fret about him.

And then there’s the offense. Come early for fireworks and stay late leave early. Just leave. They put up four runs and then take the rest of the day off. Be sure not to miss their special feature on professional hitting put on by Ryan Howard and Michael Young. They’re pros at this. They’ve already struck out 16 times, creating a hole in the middle of the lineup bigger than the one…

on Ilya Bryzgalov’s glove side! Oh yes, don’t think we forgot about the Flyers. They’re only five points out of a playoff spot (!!!). With only four teams over which to climb! And they’re only a month away from admitting one of the biggest mistakes in organization history by amnestying their $51 million goaltender. Tonight kicks off the Steve Mason era, too. He’s the newly acquired - and newly re-signed! - goaltender who lost his job to the guy the Flyers traded to his old team last summer. If he can’t get it done and help the OBs into the playoffs, the coach and GM will likely be fired. Which means, somehow, over the course of three years, the Flyers will have taken a Stanley Cup caliber club – one that lost its best player to injury – and turned them into a playoff-less team minus their captain, leading goal scorer, second most-promising youngster (all three of which were signed to long-term contracts), coach and GM. And their goaltender(s) of the future – the young, cheap Russian and the old, expensive one – well, they’ll be gone. But hey, maybe the Flyers will be able to use the cap space to sign a player…

… like that slug Andrew Bynum. It turns out, signing a loony 24-year-old center with knee problems and an eclectic mix of has-beens and chemistry-killing swag-heads isn’t a winning formula in the NBA. Their coach will willingly step down. But at least the CEO totally gets us:

Some time it is to be a Philly sports fan. That seal really needs to find its footing.

Kyle Scott

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27 responses to I Hate Sports Right Now… and You Should Too!

  1. my spring and summer are ruined

  2. I have “There’s Always Next Season” tattooed on my ass April 9, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    At least my fantasy baseball team is undefeated!

  3. You really need to stop with the “Trading Carter and Richards was a mistake” stuff. Your other points are valid, but dude, move on from those trades. It’s over. You can take the poster of a shirtless Jeff Carter down from the ceiling over your bed.

  4. Bring back Pedro Martinez. Duh.

  5. Im in a library, and I was laughing out loud for the duration of that article.

  6. Dusty Rhoades Joe Robertson April 9, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Anyone see how awesome raw was last night?? I thought it was better than wrestlemania on Sunday! #ziggggler

  7. Come on man… Holmgren is one of the best GMs in any sport, and Bryz is the victim of a bad defense. I cant wait to see what you say when we make the playoffs and go down Broad in our floats. Giroux will go on a tear and Bri Bri and I will get back together.

  8. This article depressed the shit outta me.

  9. ThePhillyFlash April 9, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Yo, Kyle! Man, what a whiny-assed stream of consciousness that was! But, it was darn sure entertaining. I hate to imagine what you’d be like if you lived in, say, Cleveland which hasn’t won ANYTHING in ANY sport since Jesus Christ was a toddler. Meanwhile, you still have the Union to fall back on, and the Chip Kelly Era officially launches come summer with training camp. Count your blessings, son!

  10. Steve Mason’s Ass Splinter April 9, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    It’s going to be hilariously awesome to see your reaction when the Flyers don’t amnesty Bryz this offseason.

    Because really, why would they? They can save the amnesty and use it the next year on him if he tanks next season. But why would you amnesty one of your three best players whose contract is not out of line compared with the rest of the league? (For a guy with a higher career save percentage than MARTY FUCKING BRODEUR).

    If he gets run out of town, I’ll blame media and faux media people like you for doing it.

    And if you think Steve Mason is the answer- that the Flyers think he might even, maybe be able to be the answer, you know even less about hockey than I thought (and I didn’t think that was possible).

    He’s a slightly better backup than Michael Leighton. If you want that as your starting goalie, you are a fucking retard and deserve to have bad sports teams to watch.

  11. Hope is not lost. The Phillies are only 7 games into the season. There is plenty of time. Stay optimistic.

    The Flyers would be destroying the league if Homer had his way this off-season. He tried to get Weber, Parise, Suter, Nash…he made an effort…but it none of them worked out. Imagine this scenario: Flyers sign Weber, his contract isn’t matched, they get to keep JVR…how would this team look then? What if they got Weber AND Nash? Homer isn’t the problem. The lack of a scorer and complete lack of defense is the problem. I NEVER thought I’d miss Matt Carle. Did I just say that?

    The draft is a few weeks away and there is no Andy Reid to destroy it for us, so rejoice in that. There will be no Brandon Graham over Earl Thomas or Jerome Mcdougal or Shawn Andrews pick this year.

    The Sixers’…are the Sixers’…Say Bynum is healthy and plays a full clip…do they get past the Knicks or the Heat anyway? Negative. At least now they have cap space when they cut everyone?

    The glass is still half full if you want it to be.

    FACE

  12. No worries….we got to look on the bright side. We have Mike Vick and his band of idiots to look forward to…..Bright side???

  13. Adam From Claymont April 9, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Jesus Christ, you cry baby pussies make me Sick……. how quickly we forget…..

    http://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/phi/1998.htm

    http://www.hockey-reference.com/teams/PHI/1998.html

    http://www.baseball-reference.com/teams/PHI/1998.shtml

    http://www.basketball-reference.com/teams/PHI/1998.html

    We have reasons to be hopeful with a new NFL coach for the first time in over a Decade
    We have a young team set to compete for years(not defending the Flyers, cause “compete is all the do for just about each of the past 30+ years)
    We have a baseball team that appears to be at the end of their rope, but has given us 5 straight divison titles, 2 WS appearances, and not to mention the only Title since 84?
    And basketball???? ummmm YEAH!!!! they still play here?

  14. adam from claymont April 9, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Since it didnt get approved or whatever, i will post it again… thanks

    1. Jesus Christ, you cry baby pussies make me Sick……. how quickly we forget…..
    http://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/phi/1998.htm
    http://www.hockey-reference.com/teams/PHI/1998.html
    http://www.baseball-reference.com/teams/PHI/1998.shtml
    http://www.basketball-reference.com/teams/PHI/1998.html
    We have reasons to be hopeful with a new NFL coach for the first time in over a Decade
    We have a young team set to compete for years(not defending the Flyers, cause “compete is all the do for just about each of the past 30+ years)
    We have a baseball team that appears to be at the end of their rope, but has given us 5 straight divison titles, 2 WS appearances, and not to mention the only Title since 84?
    And basketball???? ummmm YEAH!!!! they still play here?

  15. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Comacho April 9, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    In the words of that Cliff Lee T-shirt: DOOM.
    Time to give a shit about soccer for a while. DOOP.

  16. You’re right on Bryz, but wrong on the Carter/Richie deals. Yeah, it hurt losing those guys and watching them win the cup, but would you honestly rather have them than Voracek, Simmonds, Cooter, and Schenn? Those guys are young studs that the team can build around. Patience.

  17. Randy Jackson April 9, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    No soccer talk please. We as Philly fans always look at the glass half full…before the season starts, until eventually we drink all the beer that was in that glass to drown out our sorrows of our “what if, what could have been” teams. If that guy wasn’t hurt, if we didn’t trade that guy, if he tried…Its a vicious, neverending cycle of a Philly fan. Thats why I love to jerk off. For 3-10 minutes I am there, just me and my hand and my porn machine, enjoying the fruits of life. For those 3-10 minutes, nothing matters. What does sex feel like?

  18. Can you ever write about the Flyers without tonguing Jeff Carters loose b-hole. I mean honestly you follow that guy around and act as his personal adult diaper.

  19. Holy fuck you sound too annoying about the phillies. They are 7 games in lol. Plenty of great phillies teams started out slow. The middle of the pen does look like horse shit but relax. WE GOT DIS CHIEF.

  20. Edward Murphy April 9, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Must such if your livelihood revolves around “writing” about Philadelphia sports teams…

  21. Crossing Frauds April 9, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Sure…Lets replace what we delusionally think is a terrible goaltender with a goaltender who is actually terrible!!! Lets focus on Bryz’s stats whilst ignoring his actual on ice, while we ignore both Masons stats and on ice play and back him up! Cause theres no better place to help a struggling goaltender than Philly. OH yeah…

    Bryz will be amnestied largely due to the foaming at the mouth fan base who think that every goalie we sign should have play like Patrick Roy. ANd if that happens, I can’t wait to see him tear it up on a team that actually has a defense, while we continue to jump on whatever goaltender we sign…Cause thats what we do!

    Hey guys, I know what to do! Lets get Bernier!!!! And as soon as he loses two games in a row behind this defense, we’ll bitch about how awful his stats and contract are…Because they’ll be the same as Bryz’s are now….Because we’ll have let our goaltender go, and instead of having to spend only on defense, we’ll have to go out and sign a starting goaltender too…Which will be expensive, just like Bryz…Because thats how the NHL is structured. And it will also mean we’ll waste valuable resources signing yet another goalie, when we should’ve been signing some good d-men…And we’ll bitch and moan about the next goalie until we ride him outta town. Because in Philly its not enough to have a capable goalie that can win a cup, we have to waste years off of our young cores careers on a goalie carousel until we land the hybrid child of Patrick Roy, Tim Thomas, Marty Brodeur and Bernie Parent. But we’ll probably get on them too, so who gives a fuck? Wash. Rinse. Spin. Re-fuckin-peat.

  22. Dude…You ripped on JVR for his play/contract last year, yet you’re bringing him up this year just cause its convenient for your retarded anti-Bryz/bro dick sucking jizz fest for carter and richy. And it’s not even convenient anymore cause he went bak to his old ways and got benched after his hot start…Go fuck yourself.

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