The Reading Phillies – er, the Fightins – have long held the title for Most Insane But Lovably Quirky Phillies Minor League Affiliate Promotions, but goddamn if the Iron Pigs aren’t trying to wrestle that title away from their counterpart with decidedly darker fare. Think of them as the Christopher Nolan to the Fightins’ Tim Burton.
One fan will be awarded either the promise of a free funeral or memorial service on “Celebration of Life” night presented by Reichel Funeral Home, Northampton, on Aug. 20 when the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders come to Coca-Cola Park.
The nearly $10,000 package includes a casket, professional services of a funeral director and staff, body removal, embalming or cremation, hearse and facility for funeral services, wake or viewing. The Northampton Memorial Co. will provide a $1,500 headstone and Richmar Florist promises a $300 casket spray of flowers.
“The best fans in Minor League Baseball deserve the opportunity to win a once-in-a-lifetime giveaway,” IronPigs General Manager Kurt Landes said in a statement. “Unquestionably, this is the most highly-coveted ‘out-of-the-box’ promotion in IronPigs history.”
Out of the box promotion. Did he… just make a coffin joke? Come out, kids, on August 20 and enter – if you dare! – for a chance to bury grandma!
Sounds great. What do you have to do? Surely you don’t have to submit an essay about the perfect death:
To register, submit an essay of 200 words or less describing your ideal funeral and why they will be deserving of it. The due date is July 31. To win, you must be at least 18 years old and be present at the Aug. 20 game when the winner is announced.
Submit essays, your name, phone number and address to either firstname.lastname@example.org or CELEBRATION OF LIFE, Coca-Cola Park, 1050 IronPigs Way, Allentown, PA, 18109.
Oh shit. You do have to submit an essay about the perfect death. On Celebration of Life night. But notice that they didn’t say you had to be alive to be eligible. That’s significant. So who’s the target audience here, concerned family members, dead people… or Casey Anthony? My ideal funeral would be the one where I could bury my child under the suspicion that I was their killer, but later get off with it because investigators only checked my IE search history, and not my Firefox history, and therefore didn’t find that time I searched for “fool-proof suffication [sic].” Silly investigators…no one uses IE anymore. Go Pigs!
Anyway, we’ll look forward to finding out the winner. And then seeing that person get thrown in jail. I knew it would happen one day, but I never thought it would be a minor league baseball team that would bring Minority Report to life… through death.