I might just start every post-Sixers game day with Ben Simmons highlights. Like, that could be 10 years worth of content right there, just with one editorial decision. This why you read this site– for cutting edge laziness that only I can think up.

https://youtu.be/k5OzD3ou6pc

Let’s hit it!

 

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Benjamin. Be all about him. Get one.

More. Already have all of our shirts? Check out Philly Phaithful.

 

The roundup:

Hey, while we’re on the highlight thing– here’s Dario Saric’s ridiculous performance to send his team to the Olympics:

 

Speaking of Rio:

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The US Gymnastics team tweeted this image roughly a minute after the Olympic team was announced in a drawn-out, faux drama in which NBC cameras waited for the unkempt-looking selection committee to emerge from their secret lair where they picked a team that, me thinks, was decided months ago, long before before the Olympic Trials. This picture doesn’t appear to be Photoshopped. And while I’m sure they took tens of combinations of photos so they would be ready to go with the proper one when the team was announced, I don’t think it was a coincidence that the three favorites – Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas and Aly Raisman – were at the center with Laurie Hernandez and Madison Kocian on the outside. Imagine how awkward that photoshoot must’ve been. OK, girls, Simone, Gabby and Aly are already on the team, now the rest of you fill in until we produce every possible combination of five undersized, high-octaved girls. Many of these photos will only decorate the bay-leaf walls of third-world huts for centuries to come, but hey, HEROES YOU ALL ARE. I can only imagine the conspiratorial plotting and backstabbing going on today in the gymnastics world over who was left off for Gabby, who turned out a lackluster performance at the charade that is the trials. There’s nothing I enjoy more than the death claps competitors give each other as if they’re not rooting for their peers to fall on every move on the balance beam.

Side note about the diversity here, which is crude but absolutely racing through the heads of Kellogg’s, Under Armour and McDonald’s execs this morning: this team is so, so marketable. Skinny white girls have never been more taboo than they are in America today. We’ve reached peak anti-Barbie. Your ads shant feature three 95 pound girls who look like they went to Valley. It’s all about diversity, both in body type and race. The fact that the US Olympic team is made up of two black girls – one the reigning champ and a wily vet with a specialty (uneven bars), and the other a relative newcomer in her prime who is the best in the world -… a 16-year-old Hispanic fan favorite… the imposing Aly Raisman… and, yeah, the all-American girl-next-door… is perfect for marketers– there’s something for everyone! The US Women’s Olympic Gymnastics team looks like it came from central casting of a Coke ad about celebrating togetherness. Compare that to the 2012, 2008 and 2004 teams:

2012

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2008

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2004

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The 2016 team is more representative of America.

Still love me some Nastia Lukin, though. And never forget McKayla Maroney:

Happy 4th ??

A photo posted by McKayla Maroney (@mckaylamaroney) on

 

This had the potential to be the hottest take of all-time:

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Thankfully, Bob Brookover was way less doom and gloom than you might expect from that headline:

Some of his passes were magical reminders of a Hall of Famer named Magic. In addition to his game-high total of assists, however, he also had a game-high seven turnovers. Most of them were the result of Simmons trying to force passes.

Still, if you are his teammate you have to love his unselfishness. It will be fascinating to see how his game complements big men like Jahlil Okafor, Joel Embiid, and Nerlens Noel. It will be even more interesting to see how his game helps shooting guards Jerryd Bayless and Gerald Henderson, two of the free agents recently signed by the team.

Simmons will learn to shoot. And it will only help his greatness.

 

Greater Media budget cuts hitting 97.5 hard– here’s Jamie Lynch and Jon Mark sharing a room in Vegas:

[It was actually just a reservation screw-up.]

 

What a shit show Septa is. My wife’s cousin, who lives in Newtown, had to catch the 5:20 train this morning to make it into work on time. 5:20! I didn’t even know that time existed! The only major city in the world where the local transportation service has to rent their fucking trains. Philly has a long way to go before it’s great, despite what Comcast will tell you.

 

UFC has been sold for $4 billion to a bunch of rich guys.

 

Les Bowen spoke to the trainer who worked out the Eagles in San Diego last week.

 

Derek Jeter’s girlfriend hit list.

 

I’m intrigued, Elon:

 

Never too early: fantasy players to avoid in 2016.

 

I am so lost on the Pokemon thing.

 

Twitter will live stream the CBS feed of both conventions. A move toward Twitter getting into the live content game… but it’s not like there aren’t many other ways to stream it. We’ll see how they implement this to maximize interaction.

 

Ronaldo moth.

 

If you ever block someone’s shot this bad, just walk off the court because it can only get worse. Drew League is no joke:

https://twitter.com/SheaSerrano/status/752357726173310976

 

Maikel Franco hit the Phillies’ longest home run since 2011 and it was beautiful:

Ichiro Suzuki goes into the All-Star Break with 2990 hits. He doesn’t play every day, and after the All-Star break he’s got four games elsewhere and then four right here in Philly. It’s probably a ticket worth keeping an eye on.

 

Some interesting context on the All-Star break:

 

It’s 2016 and the cops are giving everyone Pokemon advice.

 

Denzel Valentine called Ben Simmons a “mini-LeBron” but “Baby LeBron” is probably better since Simmons is actually taller than LBJ.

 

Dario Saric isn’t even here yet and Celtics fans already got their grubby hands all over him.

 

Until he gets on the court, we have to settle for Joel Embiid posterizing small, white, Sixers employees:

 

A cyber attack has targeted local Wendy’s’s, but I’m not sure it’s not viral marketing for season two of Mr. Robot.

 

Scotch Plains, NJ’s Sydney McLaughlin will become the US’s youngest track and field Olympian since 1972 when she runs the 400-meter hurdles in the apocalyptic, dystopian hellscape we’re calling Rio 2016.

 

https://twitter.com/talkingbaws/status/752169171098689536

Everyone is talking about Bradley Cooper’s fight with Irina Shayk in the Wimbledon stands but no ons is talking about his fantastic beard.

 

Manny, that’s not how you do it:

 

Darren Rovell got all gloaty after UFC sold last night:

 

Meanwhile, ol’ Twig Arms was at the Celebrity Softball Game….as bat boy:

https://twitter.com/LobShots/status/752339574211305472

This is what happens when you give him a big head.

 

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