STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW! The Sixers have a very important, can’t-miss opportunity to tell you about! This is an email they sent out today, AND YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY GOING TO WANT TO READ IT!
When I first saw it after a reader forwarded it to me, I just assumed that it was yet another self-congratulatory partnership announcement email or release. But no, no. It is a partnership announcement that includes A VERY SPECIAL OFFER:
Meet the team behind the fastest growing fitness franchise in the world. Learn how F45 is changing lives through their innovative training, and watch a brief presentation on how simple it is to get involved. The Sixers Dancers will demonstrate how we train in the studios, and the F45 team will take you through this incredible investment opportunity. To celebrate this partnership, you are invited to join us at the Philadelphia 76ers Training Complex on Saturday, April 22nd for a free showcase event. You’ll witness F45 Training firsthand, and learn how you can invest $150K to earn $600K per year.
I asked the emailer if he was a luxury suite rights holder or some sort of VIP, because the average fan would never be lucky enough to get presented with this sort of can’t-miss, affordable(!) $150k gym investment opportunity. But nope– our emailer is just guy – A LUCK GUY – with a 10-game plan who now has the opportunity of a lifetime, explained to him on the email’s landing page by none other than Sixers superstar Joel Embiid, who absolutely wasn’t forced to give this pitch at gunpoint:
Credit to the Sixers for figuring out how to cut out the middlemen that are in those crummy Apple Vacations reps running FREE VACATION slash timeshare sweepstakes at The Center. Not even Sam Hinkie could’ve predicted that Scott O’Neil would be this generous in his quest to separate the hardworking people of the Delaware Valley from their wallets. Why let another business
abuse solicit totally value your fans, when you can do it yourself? I mean, the average sports fan is certain to have success investing their life savings in a gym, because it worked for NBA star and millionaire Harrison Barnes:
TELL ME MORE!
Join us in the new Philadelphia 76ers Training Center on Saturday, April 22nd where you’ll witness F45 Training firsthand, and learn how you can profit from this exciting opportunity!
Meet the team behind the fastest growing fitness franchise in the world. Learn how F45 is changing lives through our innovative training, and watch a brief presentation on how simple it is to get involved. Our team will demonstrate how we train in the studios, take you through this incredible investment, and be on hand throughout the evening to answer all your questions.
You’ll also get a chance to meet a Philadelphia 76ers legend and the famous Sixers Dancers.
OH BOY, THE FAMOUS SIXERS DANCERS! If there’s anyone you should take business investment advice from, it’s definitely NBA dancers! You know what the ROI is on their hair extensions and breast enlargement procedures? It’s… whatever the Sixers pay their dancers. Which isn’t much. But never mind all that! The Sixers want to thank you, the passionate, hard-working fan, with this exclusive, limited-time opportunity to blow your money on yet another one of their sponsor’s questionable offerings so Joshua Harris can stuff his wallet so fucking fat that he’ll need a spine adjustment, performed by the fine folks at The Rothman Institute at Jefferson, brought to you by Draft Kings, Party Poker, and the New Jersey Devils! And while you’re at it, don’t miss your chance to get cool Team Dignitas e-sports swag. Sign up here!
The Sixers are the worst.