Morning Wood: Pissing Excellence

Pence_home_run
Source: Phillies.com (Getty Images)

Cliff Lee:

"Yeah, this is probably the best game I’ve had as far as commanding the ball.  So, working ahead, using all of my pitches. We scored two early in this second, made things easy for me just to be aggressive. I was just locating, staying out of the heart of the plate. 

Everything was working. It was one of those nights where I was locating everything, so yeah, that was it. It was a good day."

 

That it was, Clifton. That it was. The Phillies won, 3-0.

Somewhere in the land of pretty ponies, where awkward men like Ichabod Crane dodge pumpkin heads thrown at them with gravity-defying movement, Cliff Lee and Hunter Pence were just sitting back, watching, waiting to bridge the Madison Bumgarner Gap. Last night was their time to strike.

If you don’t like that lede, you're probably not going to like this, either: In the seventh inning, when Lee had Cody Ross down in the count, 0-2, after throwing two straight speed balls, I mumbled to myself, “He’s going to drop a deuce on him like a magical steed throwing pixie dust off a rainbow.” 

I wasn’t far off.

Cody Ross finished the night 0-for-4 with four strikeouts. Sit down, clown.

Take a look at Lee’s pitch charts from last night (here's the top-down view). His balls were breaking 10 inches in both directions.

Screen Shot 2011-08-05 at 8.47.48 AM

Courtesy Brooks Baseball

Here’s video of his dominant performance (I truly no longer understand MLB’s embed video policy).

And here’s Lee and his big swinging dick (figurative) talking about his nearly perfect performance. And yes, I believe that is Placido Polanco rapping at the 1:30 mark:

As if that wasn’t enough to get you going on this Friday morning, absorb the fact that Hunter Pence was 3-for-4 with a home run and two RBIs. He most certainly was first in line at the post-game food spread. 

Just look at this lunacy, these are the types of things he retweets:

Screen Shot 2011-08-05 at 8.23.24 AM

Go eat, my son. Here’s video of his monster home run in the second.

That was pretty much the game in a nutshell: Cliff Lee good, Giants bad. Hunter Pence eats.

But there’s more. There was a random dancing Asian chick next to Willie McCovey. It’s either his girlfriend or his nurse or, well, I don’t know. It was funny, though:

Screen Shot 2011-08-05 at 8.29.42 AM

Finally, the Phillies’ bat boy ate it hard when coming out to get a bat from Victorino. 

Let’s eat.

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22 Comments

  • ThePhillyFlash August 5, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Egg salad and garlic bread. Mmmmm! Sounds mighty tasty! Hope you had your fill, Hunter, and that you shared with Clifton.

    Reply
  • Ben August 5, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Poly’s defense was a huge part of this too. If mini-Mary
    Or Valdez had been at third, this could have been a totally
    Differnt game (damn you auto correct) I meant mini-mart.

    Reply
  • smurph August 5, 2011 at 9:07 am

    It’s McCovey, not McCoy.
    JFC.

    Reply
  • Frosty August 5, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Chicken salad>>>>egg salad.

    Reply
  • Kyle Scott August 5, 2011 at 9:11 am

    that i knew, smurph. AM typos

    Reply
  • Joel August 5, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Cliff and Hunter are awesome!
    love the fact “Forget about Dre” is playing in the background. Hilarious!

    Reply
  • BG August 5, 2011 at 9:12 am

    I love this site but the guy who runs it is such a douche.

    Reply
  • Kyle Scott August 5, 2011 at 9:13 am

    bg- that’s a rather contradictory statement, no?

    Reply
  • K August 5, 2011 at 9:16 am

    kyle, I love steak; but i hate cows.

    Reply
  • K August 5, 2011 at 9:20 am

    who’s going to be DFA’d when lil Roy comes back this weekend?
    I say we let Ben Fran go.

    Reply
  • Droobie August 5, 2011 at 9:22 am

    I think that might’ve been chooch flowing in the background, no?

    Reply
  • sitdownclown August 5, 2011 at 9:27 am

    I love your stuff Kyle!

    Reply
  • olo567 August 5, 2011 at 9:28 am

    LOL Polanco.
    Justa buncha gibberish is right.

    Reply
  • J.T. August 5, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Kyle,
    I love flying, but hate airplanes. Not contradictory at all.

    Reply
  • Mary Pat August 5, 2011 at 9:40 am

    At least Willie had SOME chance at a Happy Ending last night!

    Reply
  • 3 Finger Lenny August 5, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Pence is a better Jason Werth with a personality. Let’s Eat Kamala Burgers

    Reply
  • I wish I didnt write that August 5, 2011 at 10:24 am

    I love ass sex, but I hate poop on my cock.

    Reply
  • ThePhillyFlash August 5, 2011 at 10:29 am

    K: I suspect Francisco’s going bye-bye when L’il Roy is activated. No big loss there.

    Reply
  • L2112Lif August 5, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I don’t understand why MLB.com is playing in the background even though I closed its tab…

    Reply
  • Briana August 5, 2011 at 10:55 am

    i personally felt a small amount of poetic justice from this game…
    Last year: clifton phifer (whom my mom called clifford last night.. i set her straight) was dominated by the giants in the WS.
    Last night: clifton phifer, that glorious man, complete game shut them out. brilliant.
    Last year: cody ross destroyed both the phillies and our man lee in the postseason.
    Last night: mr. ross was 0-4 with 4 strikeouts.
    Last year: phillies season ended on a ryan howard strikeout, looking. and then we had to watch that goober buster with his pussy hockey helmet run like an idiot out to the psychopath wilson and his shoe polish beard
    Last night: the giants lost the game on a cody ross strikeout, looking. and then we got to watch chooch run out to the mound and hug his pal clifton.
    its only august. i’m aware. who knows what october will bring. but i felt a slight twinge of revenge last night during that game with those 3 references i pointed out. thats all.
    oh and kyle, i love music, but i hate songs. duh.

    Reply
  • Jeff S August 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I bet that was Chooch rappin. PHILLIES RULE!!

    Reply
  • Iron Balls McGinty August 5, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Hey, did Pence ever reveal later on what he and the other guys actually ate (besides feasting on Victory) after that earlier game where he said his now famous quote? (I asked in the other entry https://www.crossingbroad.com/2011/08/good-game-lets-go-eat-t-shirts.html but somehow all the comments for that entry were deleted. Strange.) Does ANYBODY know?

    Reply
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