CB Mailbag #3: Bynum, FMK, and Much More

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We haven’t done one of these in a while, mostly because the only emails I get are tips or people telling me to go fuck myself. So, I bribed you– ask questions, win two tickets to see the New Breed Fighters at the Tower Theater on September 8. Boom: questions, asked. And the grammar is surprisingly good for MMA fans (I KID!). Leggo! [As always, questions are unedited. I didn't include names, but you'll know if it's yours.]

Seeing as how I cannot legally take my Phillies frusteration out and kick the shit out of someone, I would like to watch someone else get their ass kicked.

In the form of a question, please.


Ok so the Andrew Bynum trade has me even more excited then that time I found a pink starburst in a yellow wrapper. This move could be a defining moment in the Sixers' rise from perpetual mediocrity. That being said however I still think this has the potential to go rather poorly too. Which of these signings do you think Andrew Bynum's time in Philadelphia will most closely compare to: Terrell Owens, Cliff Lee stint 1, Moses Malone, Roy Oswalt, or Peter Forsberg? Or maybe someone I haven't considered? I am hoping it will play out like Moses Malone but I think if he suffers any significant injury it could turn out similar to the Oswalt signing where he doesn't live up to his stats from last year due to injury then moves on at the end of the season.

Good question. I’ve had an ongoing internal struggle trying to determine the player with whom Bynum most accurately compares. The short answer is, we don’t know yet. He can literally range from John LeClair (massive forward who played second fiddle in championship for one of the most accomplished teams in the sport, traded in mid-twenties to up-and-coming Philly team to be one of the guys– though Johnny was obviously the Robin the Eric Lindros’ Batman) to Danny Tartabull (season-ending injury in third game, never players here again). The range is literally that wide. Your choices are good ones, because they all fall somewhere in the middle, which is where I expect Bynum to end up.

I will posit that he’ll be a hybrid of Terrell Owens and Roy Oswalt. He has many T.O.-like qualities: goofy, questionable motives, at least part of the time played second fiddle to an aging star on West Coast (Steve Young), hailed as a bit of a savior at a position that team has sorely been lacking in recent years. Goofy.

That said, T.O. came here to put Eagles over the edge. They had already arrived and just needed a final push. T.O. was very good that year and had nine catches in the Super Bowl, on a broken leg! He was and is crazy, but was already proven as an elite player.

Bynum is different. 

There are many questions surrounding him, the two most notable of which involve his health and psyche to play in a demanding market like Philly. That’s where I feel Oswalt. If you remember, before he came here there was much discussion about him not wanting to play in a high-pressure market on the East Coast. He performed very well, though (for the most part), but he (and the Phillies) ultimately failed to live up to expectations, injuries limited his effectiveness, and the Phillies didn’t pick up his option to keep him around. That’s where I see this going with Bynum. He’ll play about 60 games, be very good and get people excited, but injuries will keep him from playing at anywhere near an elite level, his attitude will eventually get under our skin, and the Sixers will decide to go in a different direction after the season. 

So, that’s all to say we’ll be left with the same taste in our mouths that we had with Chris Gratton.


Sharks in Ocean City, eh?

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A South Jersey man pulled a seven-foot sand shark from the waters just off the shore of Ocean City, N.J., Wednesday evening.

Just in time for Shark Week.

The man, whom beach regulars know only as "Shark Tony," landed the seven-foot-long catch after hooking it from a kayak and paddling back to the beach near the 59th Street Pier.



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There is no fucking chance I’m going in the water this weekend. 

Have you pissed more excellence than Cliff Lee this year?

Next question.


You stated multiple times that it wasn't absolute fact in the story, but at the end of the day you were the one who spoke to Greg Bucceroni directly. That being said, how legit do you think his story is. Like I said, I can't tell by reading a quote, but did it come off like absolute honesty?

I believed him. We’ll probably never know for sure, but I have a rule: If a man is willing to say he shit on another man for money, he’s probably telling the truth. Like, it’s that simple. I don’t know why someone would go through the process of making up vulgar stuff like that if they’re not looking for money (in this case, from Sandusky, Penn State, etc.). There are other ways to get attention. Bucceroni works with kids, has two of his own, a fiancée and a job. That’s all being dragged into this. His story checked out. Dates and other details were consistent. A background check confirmed who he was. Details regarding mob related activities and personalities were legit.  Do I think he’s got a screw or two loose, perhaps from years of abuse? Absolutely. He said as much himself. He legitimately wanted to kill Ed Rendell last year. That’s crazy. His stories about Mumia Abu-Jamal, Jimmy Burke and Henry Hill raised my eyebrow on more than one occasion. He claims to have encountered a lot of scary people. That’s tough to swallow. But, he’s happy to attach his name to this story.

All of that said, I’m not sure I buy into the theories and conclusions he draws. There’s just not enough evidence right now. Do I believe he was abused by Ed Savitz? Yes. Do I believe he encountered Sandusky? Most likely. But I can’t prove claims that Rendell and other politicians knew about what Savitz was doing to boys and kept quiet because the creep was a big political backer. Can’t make that leap. Can’t make the leap that the reason the Penn State and Second Mile investigations didn’t go back further was because Louis Freeh, who once investigated the mob back around the time of Bucceroni’s alleged abuse, knew what he would find. It may be the case, but there’s not enough evidence yet. Bucceroni is entitled to his opinions that there were powerful enablers and, again, he may be right. We just don’t know for sure. Probably never will.


With the ongoing Penn State scandal seemingly spiraling out of control, if the current rumors are found to be true, and PSU is connected to all of the different people/organizations in your most recent report, if you were the PSU president/board how do you go about keeping PSU from being destroyed in the eyes of the public? How do you attract potential incoming students? How do you retain current students? What kind of damage control do you do?

As time goes on and more comes out (not just from Bucceroni), I’m truly beginning to think this was less of a Penn State problem and more of a Second Mile-Sandusky connection problem. Yeah, people covered up for him at Penn State. But the school, it’s programs, students, culture, etc. all represent good things. This is a few bad, powerful people. Hell, it’s a microcosm for our country, really. Penn State just needs to focus on what they do well– being a great university. The rest will sort itself out in time.

I’m also beginning to believe that Paterno took too much blame. I know, we all saw the Freeh report and its accusations. Paterno was wrong. It’s clear he knew Sandusky was a freak, but did the bare minimum to put a stop to it. The biggest mistake, I feel, was that Paterno ever wielded as much power as he did. But that wasn’t his fault. I wrote when he died that he was likely a good or at least decent man, who had several serious lapses in judgement. However, and I’ll include myself in this, the media was too eager to make him the fall guy. It was, indeed, the sexy story. In reality? He’s probably number four or five on the list of guys that were in the wrong. Sandusky, Spanier, Curley, Schultz and even pussy McQueary all held the same responsibility– to tell authorities. None of them did. Sure, Paterno was in charge, but those guys were all grown men too.

Despite sifting through tons and tons of evidence, Freeh’s report turned up no smoking gun on Paterno. Rather, one or two emails that hinted at his knowledge of what Sandusky did. They were damning, yes, but not sure the reaction, by Freeh or the public, fit the evidence (the Paterno family still needs to be quiet, though).

Let be clear: Many at Penn State and Paterno were in the wrong here, but it’s funny how all the fall guys were already ruined… or dead. Freeh’s report implicated no one who wasn’t already a part of this. That’s convenient.


Frankenstein Philly Athletes. Who would you put together to make the best(your definition) Philly Athlete? I got:
Eyes: Trent Cole
Nose: Ian LaPerriere
Hair: Giroux
Chest: Chooch
Legs: Spenser Hawes

Good call on Trent Cole. His rape eyes (H/T to commenter Trent Cole’s Rape Eyes) would intimidate the shit of everybody. I’m with you on nose, too. I have more, though:

Head: Cole Hamels.

Cole’s a good dude. He’s put up with a lot of shit here, yet save for that one time in the 2009, never cracked. He’s completely unfazed by big games. He’s a laid back Hollywood type and intense at the same time. Never takes nights off. Plus, he’s got those flowing black locks.

Shoulders: Ryan Howard.

Just massive and broad.

Left arm: Michael Vick. 

It was a toss-up between him and Cliff Lee. But Lee relies more on accuracy and pace to be successful than sheer throwing ability. And he’s lousy right now. Vick, despite his faults, has a rocket hanging off his arm.

Right arm: Doc. 

Ass: Chooch.

That’s where he stands out, to me. Firm, sizable, can we call it cute? Nice foundation for the monstrosity that will be surrounding it here.

Legs: DeSean Jackson.

They’ll wear down over time with the equipment they’re carrying, but they’re adequate for now and produce blazing speed.

Mouth: Scott Hartnell.

Never afraid to open it. What comes out might not always be smart, but it keeps us entertained.

Penis: Juan Samuel.

From an old friend who once played in the Orioles farm system when Sammy was there: It touches the floor.

Torso: Andrew Bynum.

Need a guy who is seven-feet tall with a thickish frame here.

So, what we have here is (from top down): Cole Hamels’ head and hair with Trent Cole’s eyes, Ian Laperriere’s nose, Scott Hartnell’s mouth on Ryan Howard’s shoulders on Andrew Bynum’s torso with Roy Halladay’s right arm and Michael Vick’s left arm above Carlos Ruiz’s ass around the corner from Juan Samuel’s dick in between DeSean Jackson’s legs. In other words: Kim Kardashian.

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When will Andrew Bynum recieve his first PPA parking ticket for parking in a handicap spot?

When’s the first preseason game? Two days before that.


Who would win in a threeway cage fight to the death??

1. Scott Harnell's ex wife?
2. El wingador
3. Holley Mangold (jets center Nick mangold's sister)

And…… go!


Easy: Scott Hartnell’s ex-wife. She sounded like a real crazy slut bitch. Never underestimate the type.

But, fuck-marry-kill? Also easy: I’d fuck Scott Hartnell’s ex, for the reasons listed above.

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I’d kill Holley Mangold. There’s no use for her now that the Olympics are over… and it would cost a lot to feed her.

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And I’d marry El Wingador. You’re not going to sleep with him anyway, so that doesn’t matter, and he’d always be making ends meet by SELLING COCAINE!

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Bigger douche: Sean Brace from 97.5 or Gonzo's best pal David Murphy?

Not even close– Murphy. Murphy will always win that contest. Brace is a good dude and I like him. I can see where one might think that with his whole party-boy, searching for a girl shtick (Ryan Lochte?), but he doesn’t take himself too seriously, let’s Mikey Miss make fun of him, makes fun of himself, can be genuinely entertaining, and is working crazy hours to make it. Gotta respect that. Murph, on the other hand, uses his BlackBerry during Daily News Live.


Simple question, would love to see the answers after all Philly has paid and done for Jimmy: What the F is Jimmy Rollins problem?


Will Charlie Manuel bench Jimmy Rollins – if – Jimmy Rollins "burrells" his girl Missy?


So with J-Roll acting like he gives zero fucks this wee…season, the phillies having a roided up SS in waiting who performed well defensively at 2nd, and no one to actually lead off this team since we got rid of the Hawaiian Shrimp, Polly and Chase getting through this year with duct tape and elmer's glue, and Howard's achillies injury, is it time to throw in the towel on our infield and blow it up? I'll put it this way, Howard should be OK after this season. Let's keep him. But perhaps its time to move the rest. SS are still hard to find, so we could do well with trading J-Roll in the offseason, Chutley we may have to eat some salary, but could be a decent DH in the AL, and we don't need to pick up Polly's option.
I'm saying blow that mother effer up! start fresh and young. What say you, oh mighty interwebual scriptual?


Roughly how many days after J-roll gets traded will he say something about the fans that we will never forgive him for? I say 3 days, max.

I can’ do the J-Roll™ thing anymore. It’s over. Didn’t like it, talked about it, and moved on. It’s not the federal case people are making it out to be. It was poor form, but the story’s life cycle was about 24 hours. We’re in hour 50 and I can’t do it anymore. That said, I’d like to see him get booed when the Phillies honor him on Monday night for breaking Larry Bowa's games played at shortstop record… which is when he’ll say something stupid. So, yeah– three days.


Is this Bynum before and after a $100 mil contract?!? 

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And they say it’s always sunny here. 


6 Responses

  1. You’re like 30ish right? And spent time searching the inter-webs for the best looking pics of an underage girl to post on your blog? AND played the FMK Game? Your site rules, but if you have aspirations to move up in the media/blog whatever world, this is the kind of post that can haunt You down the road. Especially in the post-Sandusky world we live in here in PA? You got balls man, I’ll say that…

  2. The whole evaluating underage girls was kinda weird for me. I love the site and this is probably the first time I have been disappointed with a post enough to say something. Not the best idea in my mind.

  3. Kyle was oddly detailed and specific about knowing what a really bored chick on a horrible Match.com date looks like. I’m guessing before “Mrs. CB,” he saw the Gabby Douglas look a lot.

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