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Ruben Amaro’s manhood grew three sizes that day.

The Phillies are, literally, interested in every major free agent. B.J. Upton, Michael Bourn, Josh Hamilton, and now, Kevin Youkilis.

Per a report by Jon Morosi of FOX Sports, the Phils are in on the Youkilis sweepstakes, if there is such a thing:

The Indians, Phillies and Dodgers are looking to upgrade their production at third base and have shown preliminary interest in Youkilis, according to major-league sources. The Mariners and Marlins — the majors’ two worst teams this year in first-base production — have checked in on Youkilis, as well.


Raise your hands above your head in a homoerotic fashion and rub your stick awkwardly if you want Youk on the Phils.

Looks around

No one

Wait! You, you in the back there… oh, just the Elmo guy. You don't count. Anyone else? Didn't think so.

Youk will be 34 when the season starts, hasn’t played in more than 136 games since 2008, batted .258 and .235 each of the past two seasons, (dis)respectively, and his on-base percentage has gone down every season since 2009. Positives? He walks, a fucking lot, and he could fill that awkward batting-stanced, bad-backed, over-the-hill third baseman void left behind by Placido Polanco’s departure. Soooo… there’s that.

Red Sox South, baby.