Hey there, new you! Feeling better in the new year? Working out more? Eating healthier? Being a better husband? Masturbating only twice per day? You look like a different person already. I mean, my Google Analytics still says that you’re slacking in your dead-end job and refreshing CB 12 times per day wondering when, in the hell, I’m going to update. But that’s OK– you ran on an elliptical this morning, and that makes you a better you in 2013. 

That was all Asshole for Happy New Year! 

This site will be covering the Eagles’ coaching search ad nauseam… the hockey lockout may be ending soon… and there's only six weeks until pitchers and catchers report. So there will finally be things to talk and write about.

Here are some nuggets I missed over the Jrue Holidays (who had 26 points and 10 assists in a Sixers win over the Lakers last night):

– Ilya Bryzgalov has left his Russian team, CSKA. The reason was unclear initially, but it now appears that Bryz is injured. It was first reported – by the most Russian reporter ever, Ruslan Salikhov – that Bryz said he was leaving Russia because the “lockout is ending.” But when Daily News beat reporter Frank Seravalli wrote a story based on that "quote," Bryz retweeted it and called it a lie: 

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Though Bryz was the second Flyer to call Seravalli a liar this non-season (Ed Snider did so in November), you can only really blame Seravalli and the Daily News for blindly citing a Russian reporter with under 300 followers on Twitter. Quotes often get lost in translation, and this isn’t the first time it has happened regarding a local player who speaks a different language.

An updated report from R Sport says that the reason for Bryz leaving CSKA is, most likely, because Bryz believes in aliens that the lockout “should be over pretty soon.” Another report says Bryz wore out his welcome. But CSKA says Bryz left for North America to get treatment on an upper-body injury, and will return when he’s healed. And that’s not good.

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On the other side of this unfortunate hockey coin, Danny Briere signed a contract extension with the Berlin Ice Bears. [UPDATE: He has an injured wrist and will be out 2-3 weeks.]We’re assuming there’s a clause for him to return to the Flyers if there is a season. Claude Giroux, who was with Briere in Berlin but returned due to injury, is reportedly working out in Canada. 

Here’s the latest lockout update from TSN.

– Last night, Colleen Wolfe tweeted this photo of David Murphy and John Gonzalez, her fiancé, bonding over what appears to be a Busch Light and perhaps a Fuzzy Naval.

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If you’ll recall, the scriptuals had one of the best media Twitter feuds of all-time and, later, awkwardly appeared beside each other on Daily News Live (and we made a video about it).

(Cheap) Beer Summit.

– Jason Babin, still a dick, via (@FlyersNation):

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– Someone drew Sheena Parveen this hot hilarious horrifically horrifying, I want to store you in a meat locker and eat you caricature. She retweeted it:

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– Our friend Tony Hegedus, who works for Men’s Health, says that the magazine voted Philadelphia the 99th worst city for men, based on health (received an F), quality of life (F), and fitness (D). Remember, folks: new year, new you.