Jake The Snake Tricked a Bunch of Fat, Sweaty Yinzers Last Night

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Dan Bylsma looks like a little boy.

Is it weird that's all I can think about after a thrilling 6-5 Flyers win against that god awful, pansy-ass team from the sweaty undercarriage of Pennsylvania? Dan Bylsma looks like a little boy in a big boy suit. Sweet glasses. Fix your collar, sir.

If that observation from the big win seems rudimentary, I do apologize– I didn’t see much of the game live, as I was hosting pro wrestling quizzo at a packed Drinker’s Tavern, where the questions stopped during the thrilling final five minutes of the game. And the only thing on the TV screen that continually distracted me as I hurled questions about beefy men in tights was Bylsma’s wayward tie and collar. I have issues.

Now, let’s talk about the game.

Perhaps it was fitting that Jake the Snake recorded a hat trick on this night. You can say many things about him not being consistent, but you can never argue the fact that he always looks like he just scored a conference finals OT winner when he puts the puck in the net– pale, a thinning, never been kissed down there-style beard, and that open-mouthed electric shock therapy thing. It’s all fucking gross, actually. Gross, but hot, too.

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Even better about Jake’s hatty was that he became the second player obtained from Columbus in the Jeff Carter trade to record a hat trick at the Consol Energy Center in front of unemployed Yinzers (Sean Couturier did it in the playoffs last year), and that makes Pens bloggers all sorts of sad:

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Some cold water for your post-game boner: Yeah, yeah, I know– Claude Giroux spoke in Montreal and his team has scored 12 13 goals in the two games since. Great effort by the Flyers last night. But that kind of ignores the fact that the Penguins put the puck in the net seven times. One disallowed goal was kicked in. The other, Evgeni Malkin’s shot was snared by Bryz when the puck appeared to have already crossed the goal line. The unofficial O.J. Rule came into play… that is, the puck appeared to be in the net, but there was no conclusive video evidence because of some controversy surrounding a glove. Whatever. Bryz staring down his Russian buddy – the only hockey player he follows on Twitter – made it all worth it: 

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Maybe if he stopped slashing G’s wrists, via the Flyers’ city-leading PR department: Claude Giroux (232 wins) and Sidney Crosby (212 wins) came into tonight’s game 1st and 3rd, respectively, in the NHL in faceoff wins; Giroux was 5-for-17 (29 pct) against Crosby tonight. 

This: Tonight vs. Fla is cheapest game at Wells Fargo rest of the year. Pairs from $42.

Mike Milbury called Sidney Crosby and Malkin "crack addicts."

Finally, two must-watch videos after the jump: Wayne Simmonds – who , yes, was called a “nigger” by Penguins fans on Twitter – polishing Tanner Glass, and the full game highlights, which, when condensed, are awesome. Spoiler alert: that second video, much like the game, ends with this:

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36 Comments

  • 75% of posters on CB February 21, 2013 at 10:04 am

    I hate your blog, and I hate you, Kyle. So I will comment on every article… every day… for the rest of my life.

    Reply
  • 3 Finger Lenny February 21, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Best game of the year. Black Simmonds & Jake the Snake played out of their minds.
    Even that no talent pussy Zac Rinaldo has been playing smart getting in the pens heads & not drawing dumb penalties a la old man knuble

    Reply
  • D February 21, 2013 at 10:08 am

    im surprised no one has a screenshot or .gif of Jake the snake telling cooke he sucks dick by giving him the ol blowie signal when they got matching penalties in the first period

    Reply
  • FACE February 21, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Such an epic game. Hopefully they’re turning a corner.
    G had a quiet great game last night…he rang a laser off the post that would’ve put the game to bed a little earlier.
    Keep that momentum going tonight boys.

    Reply
  • the suckers February 21, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Kyle you suck, but my page views today will help pay your bills.
    but you still suck.
    (great article, BTW)

    Reply
  • FACE February 21, 2013 at 10:11 am

    @ D- haha yeah I saw that too, I expected a .GIF of it to be on here this morning.

    Reply
  • J.T. February 21, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Awesome game. Best NHL game this season.
    I was quietly, seriously considering murder last night. Knuble, Fedotenko and Max Talbot were going to be my victims.
    Seriously guys, what the FUCK were you thinking?

    Reply
  • Harry February 21, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Great game.

    Reply
  • Candy from the Oak February 21, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Simmonds played his way out of the cotton field in my book. G loses more face offs then a Delco mom loses custody of their kids

    Reply
  • Godfather February 21, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Letdown game tonight. Take Florida & cash in

    Reply
  • ThePhillyFlash February 21, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Godfather: You couldn’t be more right. It’s a mortal lock the Flyers will come up short tonight. Perhaps embarrassingly short.

    Reply
  • DT February 21, 2013 at 10:50 am

    The glove save/goal thing…Pittsburgh scored shortly there after. So, it doesn’t really matter in the large scheme of things. Anything could’ve happened. Maybe they rule it a goal and Pittsburgh goes on to route the Flyers 8 – 3. Maybe it’s ruled a goal and the Flyers go on to crush Pittsburgh 8 – 3. Or its a tied game that goes to a shootout. Who knows? Maybe Read doesn’t get hurt and he scores a hattrick as wel. Anything can and does impact a game. It’d be more of a cold water issue if it happened with a tied game at 5 – 5 with 1:40 left in the third just before the Flyers took the lead, or in OT, etc. etc.
    Great win regardless. Let’s hope they avoid the letdown tonight.

    Reply
  • PK February 21, 2013 at 11:11 am

    This is the last time I read this blog. The parlance used to be amusing, now it’s just stale. The undertones of your comments come off as immature (aren’t you 30?) and unjustified. Just reading this article is comical, not because of your writing, but because it made me realize how much of an idiot you are. Fat, sweaty unemployed Yinzers? Dan Bylsma’s tie? You’re describing Philly with that one too. Also wondering if you can even afford the suit/shirt/tie combo that Dan Bylsma has on (Lavy dresses just as bad!).
    You have a Villanova degree why don’t you put it to use?

    Reply
  • Adam B February 21, 2013 at 11:22 am

    why read the blog if you hate it so much? it’s rather simple. don’t come here.

    Reply
  • Danny The Count February 21, 2013 at 11:26 am

    @PK- don’t have to read the site if you don’t want to braa

    Reply
  • Will February 21, 2013 at 11:40 am

    lol @ PK – definitely an unemployed yinzer . . .using the word parlance and coming at a degree via comments on a blog post. Stop trying so hard, champ.

    Reply
  • Roose February 21, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    7+6=12

    Reply
  • Jake The Snake February 21, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    13 Goals Kyle….Cant even mention my 4 assists and 3 goals in the last 2 games ?!?!?

    Reply
  • Flyer February 21, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Yeah, 43 points over his last 44 games as a Flyer. Voracek is SOOOOO inconsistent. He’s no Carter or Richards right Kyle? Stick to Quizzo and Phillies, you know nothing about hockey.

    Reply
  • 75% of posters on CB February 21, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    @PK- Please read my earlier post, it’s the first one.

    Reply
  • UMAD February 21, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    So after that awesome game, all you can talk about is mens’ fashion?

    Reply
  • TonyViagra February 21, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I just took a huge shit

    Reply
  • Kyle Scott's Talibani Fiance February 21, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Is anybody in here man enough to satisfy me? I’m desparate.

    Reply
  • Wish It Was Still 2008 February 21, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Why is there no mention of what David Murphy is writing about today? I come here specifically for the reporter wars. This blog sucks.

    Reply
  • Kyle's Brain February 21, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Sure, Voracek has 7 points in 2 games, but Carter would easily have 10, and look much hotter doing it. Have you seen his abs??? Terrible trade.

    Reply
  • Mr. Schniedelwichsen February 21, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    I get a lot of joy knowing that after their first two goals, penguins fans were watching and probably telling all their friends, “This game is so over” and then they had to watch the inevitable downfall. Fucking yinzers make me sick.
    P.S. – Malkin needs to change his tampon and stop getting so fucking mad that a 20year old made him his bitch.

    Reply
  • Thomas E. Merschen February 21, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    So I guess with his injury, we can forget the Read for Stamkos rumor. It suck because Tb would probably love to have a young sniper like Read to compliment older guys like St. Louis.

    Reply
  • Edward Murphy February 21, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Last night’s game was downright disgusting. Everytime I looked, another player’s face was getting sliced wide open by a stick. I stopped counting at seven. Where are the face masks to protect these players? What if the stick hit the neck, a few inches below? Make no mistake about it, these players have 0 neck protection. They are not allowed to wear neck guards. Mr. Simmonds, fresh off a brain injury, is still not allowed to even wear a face shield.
    Oh and thanks Mr. Merschen for pointing out that Mr.Read is injured with another concussion. The Philadelphia Flyers yet again lead the league in this category. When will it stop Snider?
    We will be hosting a rally in the near future. Stay alert for a bulletin in the coming days.

    Reply
  • BMW February 21, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    As a Pens fan I must say that was one hell of a game by both teams. I’ve been a lifelong Pens fan and finally got to goto the Flyers vs Penguins game, almost a bucket list item even though we lost it was still an amazing time. I don’t know if any of you were at the game or how it is in Philly against the Pens, but I found it incredibly rude that SOME (not all) of our “fans” decided to scream “BOO!” into every Flyers fan they came across. Literally stuck their face in front of a Flyers fan walking the opposite direction and screamed “BOO”. That being said, it was definitely the most exciting hockey game I’ve ever been to. Can’t wait until the next matchup and hope it’s as intense as last night.

    Reply
  • Your Mother February 21, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Last nights game gave me an erection in my lady parts.

    Reply
  • Vic Vinegar February 21, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    All they said was “BOO” to Flyers fans and you thought that was rude? lol
    Come to the next match-up in Philly.

    Reply
  • Kyle scott February 21, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    I love to delete comments

    Reply
  • Sandusky February 21, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    I’m so happy the comments are back.

    Reply
  • Sam February 21, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    This title could not be more accurate. I as at the game (In my Voracek jersey)and you can’t even imagine how sweaty the obese yinzer in front of me was. He was drunk as shit and smelled like shit. The dudes also left after the first period and didnt come back until the start of the third. Words can’t describe my hatred of this scum.

    Reply
  • Obama is a Tyrant February 21, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Oh yeah cause it’s not like Philly isn’t full of slimy niggers. I’ll take fat and sweaty over inferior, smelly, and obnoxious any day of the week.

    Reply
  • Fran Dunphy February 22, 2013 at 8:36 am

    You delete comments that criticize you but leave comments with horrific slurs ^^^.
    Fuck you Kyle. You’re a slime ball and a shit fan. You missed the game of the year for pro wrestling quizzo.

    Reply
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