Jake The Snake Tricked a Bunch of Fat, Sweaty Yinzers Last Night
Dan Bylsma looks like a little boy.
Is it weird that's all I can think about after a thrilling 6-5 Flyers win against that god awful, pansy-ass team from the sweaty undercarriage of Pennsylvania? Dan Bylsma looks like a little boy in a big boy suit. Sweet glasses. Fix your collar, sir.
If that observation from the big win seems rudimentary, I do apologize– I didn’t see much of the game live, as I was hosting pro wrestling quizzo at a packed Drinker’s Tavern, where the questions stopped during the thrilling final five minutes of the game. And the only thing on the TV screen that continually distracted me as I hurled questions about beefy men in tights was Bylsma’s wayward tie and collar. I have issues.
Now, let’s talk about the game.
Perhaps it was fitting that Jake the Snake recorded a hat trick on this night. You can say many things about him not being consistent, but you can never argue the fact that he always looks like he just scored a conference finals OT winner when he puts the puck in the net– pale, a thinning, never been kissed down there-style beard, and that open-mouthed electric shock therapy thing. It’s all fucking gross, actually. Gross, but hot, too.
Even better about Jake’s hatty was that he became the second player obtained from Columbus in the Jeff Carter trade to record a hat trick at the Consol Energy Center in front of unemployed Yinzers (Sean Couturier did it in the playoffs last year), and that makes Pens bloggers all sorts of sad:
Some cold water for your post-game boner: Yeah, yeah, I know– Claude Giroux spoke in Montreal and his team has scored 12 13 goals in the two games since. Great effort by the Flyers last night. But that kind of ignores the fact that the Penguins put the puck in the net seven times. One disallowed goal was kicked in. The other, Evgeni Malkin’s shot was snared by Bryz when the puck appeared to have already crossed the goal line. The unofficial O.J. Rule came into play… that is, the puck appeared to be in the net, but there was no conclusive video evidence because of some controversy surrounding a glove. Whatever. Bryz staring down his Russian buddy – the only hockey player he follows on Twitter – made it all worth it:
Maybe if he stopped slashing G’s wrists, via the Flyers’ city-leading PR department: Claude Giroux (232 wins) and Sidney Crosby (212 wins) came into tonight’s game 1st and 3rd, respectively, in the NHL in faceoff wins; Giroux was 5-for-17 (29 pct) against Crosby tonight.
This: Tonight vs. Fla is cheapest game at Wells Fargo rest of the year. Pairs from $42.
Mike Milbury called Sidney Crosby and Malkin "crack addicts."
Finally, two must-watch videos after the jump: Wayne Simmonds – who , yes, was called a “nigger” by Penguins fans on Twitter – polishing Tanner Glass, and the full game highlights, which, when condensed, are awesome. Spoiler alert: that second video, much like the game, ends with this:
