I’ve had enough of Doug Collins.
I don’t get why he gets a free pass in Philadelphia. Sure, everything was great for the first two seasons, and we all loved hearing how passionate our coach was. Doug came out for post-game press conferences sweating, literally wearing his emotions on his damp, baggy and stretched out sleeves. But, at some point, it became annoying. You certainly can’t blame Collins for the collection of misfits that he coaches, but you can blame him for being so intense, such a micromanager, that his players tune him out. Collins’ crazy, dilated-pupil stare, which reminds you of the most nutso girlfriend you’ve ever had, makes you wonder if he truly loves coaching… or if he can’t live without it and oh my god if my guys ever quit on me I’ll find them and kill them and slice them up into little pieces nom nom nom nom eat them right up because that’s something that, surely, Jodie Foster would be proud of. I can’t tell which it is. But I’ve had enough of his I’m trying so hard and don’t know what to do so I’ll just shrug, throw all of my players under the bus, and address only Bob Cooney by name in post-game pressers routine, which contrasts starkly with his over-the-top defending of any millionaire who gets a sore ankle because he, too, was once injured and gets it. I can’t stand that. And the icing on the cake came last night, when Collins asked us to pray for Andrew Bynum, who made $17 million this year to drive his Ferrari to the bowling alley and fuck cocktail waitresses, as he undergoes a somewhat routine surgery. Douglas:
“It’s been a tough year for Andrew. I’ve talked about this before… as a man who suffered injuries, as a young player, it’s devastating. I can only imagine what’s racing through his mind right now. I hope we all keep him in prayer. He’s not played for us this year, but he’s still a 76er.”
“I feel badly I didn’t get a chance to coach him this year. I think he would have been an incredible player for us this year. And I just want to wish him well. When you give up a lot for a player and a player comes in and doesn’t play, sometimes we don’t realize the pain that player feels. Sometimes we look at a player and his exterior, and maybe don’t understand how they absorb things internally. And I know Andrew, just in talking to him, how badly he wanted to play this year and be part of the team and help us. So let’s wish him with his surgery tomorrow… that he has great results, that Andrew can rehab himself, that he’s going to have a productive career.”
Andrew Bynum, on January 28, about his desire to help the Sixers:
“I think right after the All-Star break in my mind,” he said. “I talked about (coming back before the break), but to me it doesn’t really matter when I come back. I think giving myself the extra week of training would be better than trying to come back before that.”
Bynum, on February 19, on how he feels internally about fans being upset that he’s, you know, not playing:
“I really could care less. People are going to support me when I’m doing well.”
But hey, Doug Collins wants us to pray for him.
Pic via Jordan Raanan