The Boston Bombing (do we capitalize that now?) has sent the country back into high alert, a heightened state of awareness that, thankfully, this time, doesn’t come with a color coded chart. Conspiracy theorists think it’s because “they want your guns,” but, really, we’re just in a collective panic, or uber vigilant state (whichever you prefer to call it), and anything even remotely out of the ordinary calls for a bomb squad and a SWAT team. [Incredibly, Kyle Kendrick’s pitching performance this season hasn’t shut down CBP and launched a federal investigation. Yet.] So, airports, hospitals, schools, train stations, assorted competitive events and games of skill, concerts, bridges, comic book gatherings, and crowded school cafeterias are all in danger. All very clearly high-value terrorist targets. All war zones, where any misplaced item or litter stands a high likelihood of being a bomb. No where is safe, really… except for perhaps inside Amanda Bynes’ bathroom, because not even the most hardened jihadist bent on self destruction would dare enter that lonely and odorous prison.
And now, we can add another location to the list. A place so dangerous, so unimaginable… so full of sediment: sandboxes.
Who else but NBC 10 (AIRPLANE TIRES FALLING FROM SKY!) to bring us the story:
A Joseph Stackhouse School student was playing in a sandbox outside the school on Trenton Road in Browns Mills, N.J. right before noon when the child found the suspicious device, according to police.
Pemberton Township Police confirmed they were on the scene along with emergency medical personnel. Authorities said they were being overly cautious while investigating.
Oh my. Sandboxes, a safe yet messy haven where the pocket (and perhaps stomach) contents of so many small children call home. Where finding a useless germ-covered trinket is right of passage for so many youngsters.
Where Jerry Sandusky went to escape. Surely, whatever was found in this New Jersey death trap was so out of the ordinary, so incendiary in its appearance, that its presence in the children’s play thing could only be described as suspicious.
Perhaps it was a bullet shell.
Perhaps it was a laptop in disrepair.
Perhaps it was Israeli Prime Minister and Philly-ish native Benjamin Netanyahu giving an art lesson to impressionable young minds:
No. It was much worse. Much more nefarious. Much more… latex:
Some scary moments today at an area elementary school after a child found a balloon with a mystery substance on it.
A balloon. A child found a balloon, likely covered in sand. Or… maybe further analyses will show that it was a discarded condom. Or:
Suspicious indeed. Stay vigilant, folks.