Sandboxes, No Longer Safe

Screen Shot 2013-05-13 at 3.31.21 PMThe Boston Bombing (do we capitalize that now?) has sent the country back into high alert, a heightened state of awareness that, thankfully, this time, doesn’t come with a color coded chart. Conspiracy theorists think it’s because “they want your guns,” but, really, we’re just in a collective panic, or uber vigilant state (whichever you prefer to call it), and anything even remotely out of the ordinary calls for a bomb squad and a SWAT team. [Incredibly, Kyle Kendrick’s pitching performance this season hasn’t shut down CBP and launched a federal investigation. Yet.] So, airports, hospitals, schools, train stations, assorted competitive events and games of skill, concerts, bridges, comic book gatherings, and crowded school cafeterias are all in danger. All very clearly high-value terrorist targets. All war zones, where any misplaced item or litter stands a high likelihood of being a bomb. No where is safe, really… except for perhaps inside Amanda Bynes’ bathroom, because not even the most hardened jihadist bent on self destruction would dare enter that lonely and odorous prison.

And now, we can add another location to the list. A place so dangerous, so unimaginable… so full of sediment: sandboxes.

Who else but NBC 10 (AIRPLANE TIRES FALLING FROM SKY!) to bring us the story:

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A Joseph Stackhouse School student was playing in a sandbox outside the school on Trenton Road in Browns Mills, N.J. right before noon when the child found the suspicious device, according to police.

Pemberton Township Police confirmed they were on the scene along with emergency medical personnel. Authorities said they were being overly cautious while investigating.

Oh my. Sandboxes, a safe yet messy haven where the pocket (and perhaps stomach) contents of so many small children call home. Where finding a useless germ-covered trinket is right of passage for so many youngsters. Where Jerry Sandusky went to escape. Surely, whatever was found in this New Jersey death trap was so out of the ordinary, so incendiary in its appearance, that its presence in the children’s play thing could only be described as suspicious.

Perhaps it was a bullet shell.

Perhaps it was a laptop in disrepair.

Perhaps it was Israeli Prime Minister and Philly-ish native Benjamin Netanyahu giving an art lesson to impressionable young minds:

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No. It was much worse. Much more nefarious. Much more… latex:

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Some scary moments today at an area elementary school after a child found a balloon with a mystery substance on it.

A balloon. A child found a balloon, likely covered in sand. Or… maybe further analyses will show that it was a discarded condom. Or:

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Suspicious indeed. Stay vigilant, folks.

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13 Responses

  1. Condom indeed. Sorry, Jeffrey and I were out and about last night and, well, I’m sure your dirty little minds can connect the dots.

  2. Kyle, please just stop on anything that’s no sports. You prove time and time again that if its not a dick joke about your man crush, you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. This year you have proven you are a pussy liberal idiot obsessed with wet men( lochte is a douche). Just stick to sports please.

  3. “This year you have proven you are a pussy liberal idiot obsessed with wet men( lochte is a douche)”

    Agreed. We get the message. You’re a left wing hippy who hates guns. Enough of it already. It’s a sports blog and a lot of your readers are men 18-35. Guess what they also likely are? Not scared of guns. Chill with the politics or you’ll push more people away.

    1. Don’t know who’s a bigger liberal, Kyle or mike miss??
      SMH smdh lol lmao ttyl

  4. It’s nice to see Bibi artfully display that sophisticated Palestinian weaponry. Clearly he’s dealing with savages. Best to keep them locked in their cage for another few decades.

  5. I am not even sure what you are trying to do with this. Are you making a joke? Not a single piece of that is funny. Are you reporting? Because its impossible to follow. Are you reporting about sports? Because I thought this was a sports blog

    The one thing I do know is your girl has a MUSTACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Fucking pig

  6. The mobile site is shit. Who reads 3 words per line? Fucking two year olds? If like to be able to finish half of one sentence without fucking scrolling down

  7. You can tell through this blog’s advertising and Kyle making a routine appearance on GSD that the site generates enough hits that the ads are respectable, quality and well-known AND more then likely increasing, progressively over time. So, which troll thus far has access to the statistics to claim such theories of “pushing more people away.” This is a blog, written in first person with witty and uncensored humor — which is, in essence, what the definition of a blog is. If you disagree with his “political bias” whether subtle or not, then don’t visit the site and go peruse a watered down and over commercialized ESPN brand.

  8. Come on, man. Tying the Boston bombing into a post that mocks an attempt at protecting kids, however ridiculous it may seem at the outcome? Just tasteless. Clearly you do know a good deal about sports, keep it at that.

  9. The inbreds in Browns Mills NJ don’t know what condoms are so it was probably just a balloon. Also, with the numerous welfare idiots popping out babies in Browns Mills NJ, I totally believe some idiot with the IQ of a shih zhu saw the balloon, thought “bomb” and called the police. Seriously though, the Air force base there (Mcguire) would do the world a favor if it just carpet bombed the entire town into oblivion.

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