UPDATE: The Phillies Have Signed Bobby Abreu, Because Awwwwww Fuck It

Kyle Scott | January 21, 2014

Jim Salisbury reports:

The Phillies, still looking for a left-handed bat to come off the bench, are “sniffing around” on Bobby Abreu, multiple baseball sources tell CSNPhilly.com.

General manager Ruben Amaro Jr. did not deny gathering intelligence on the veteran outfielder, who turns 40 in March.

“We’re looking at all the left-handed bats still out there and he’s one of them,” Amaro said.

100% sure the Phillies have given up on the season. Amaro is Peter Gibbons in Office Space right now. He doesn’t care. He’s trying to get fired. He’s one week away from bringing a fish into the office and slicing it open on his desk. It’s not that I’m lazy, I just don’t care.

That, of course, could be a slogan for Abreu, too.

UPDATE: And before I could finish posting this, the Phillies signed Abreu:

Just had the following conversation on the phone with my Dad, who loved Abreu when he was here:

MeCongratulations! The Phillies just signed Bobby Abreu.

My Dad: As a player?