I AM SO, SO MAD I WAS AWAY FOR THE GIROUX THING LAST WEEK THAT I FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU THAT IN ALL CAPS. I mean, I sat on my ass for two months of sports hell, with the most interesting thing being a Sixers draft that turned out to be not very interesting at all, and then I go away and the city’s number two most beloved athlete went and grab-assed a male Canadian police officer?! Just missing Candy From The Oak’s reaction was enough to upset me. And all the lost pun potential had me down in the dumps.
But in case you’re behind or missed it over the holiday weekend, the Flyers and Claude Giroux released short, sadly-lacking-in-any-sort-of-butt-pun statements about Giroux’s actions that seemed to be stripped from a South Park storyboard somewhere.
The Flyers and Giroux put out a combined statement at 5:54 p.m. on the night before the Fourth of July, where news gets flushed into nonexistence. Psst… maybe no one will notice if we respond to the most ridiculous Philly athlete arrest of all-time as people flock to shore points and oceans near and far. I noticed, Flyers. I noticed.
Ron Hextall’s statement:
“We’ve been in contact with Claude and the Ottawa Police Service and have been informed that no charges will be filed. Moving forward, we will deal with this incident internally and we will no longer publicly discuss this matter.”
G’s statement, which is one of the more unintentionally delightful things you’ll read this summer:
“I regret my actions on Canada Day and sincerely apologize to my fans, teammates and the Philadelphia Flyers organization for my misguided attempt at humor.
Following an investigation, law enforcement determined that charges are not warranted. I have the utmost respect for law enforcement and apologize to the Ottawa Police Department and specifically the individual officer. I will be making no further public comment on this matter.
I will not be distracted from my ongoing preparation for the upcoming season. I remain 100% committed and focused on working with my team to return the Stanley Cup to Philadelphia.”
G’s offseasons have become hilariously fantasstic. Two years ago he was photographed playing beer pong with casts on both wrists. Last year he sliced his hand, allegedly with a shattered golf club. And this year he was arrested for “actions on Canada Day.” And if we want to be assholes about it, it is in fact worth noting that Dry Island outcasts and butt buddies Mike Richards and Jeff Carter haven’t been seen doing anything remotely ridiculous since being traded. They may have gotten a real bum rap. And the tale of the tape for the last few years between G and Carts, unfortunately, goes something like this:
1 playoff series win
Beer pong, day drinking, karaoke and grab-assing:
2 Stanley Cups
An Olympic gold medal
Finally settled down and got engaged to a lovely young blonde and her adorable puppy:
But that would be taking the glass-half-empty approach. I prefer my glass to be half full, and Giroux’s zeal for Canadian police officer ass is truly the perfect summer distraction from his mediocre performance in a tough series against the Rangers and will provide countless hours of enjoyment throughout the season as we get to see what sort of signs, taunts and puns opposing fans come up with. Ass.