Eagles

Michael Vick’s Alleged Ex-Lover Just Sent an Email to the Press Warning That His D*ck Pic May Accidentally Come Out Soon

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jul 30th, 2014 · 12:40 PM EDT

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Welcome to my inbox.

Today, Bella Escritor, whom you may remember as the woman who wrote a book about her lurid affair with Michael Vick and then got mad at me when I excerpted the nasty parts and I think even more mad when fashion editor Dan shredded the whole thing in a review, sent an email to me and other assorted gossipers warning that Michael Vick’s dick pic, which she apparently has on her computer, may soon HIT THE WEBZZZZ. That email:

I have something major that may come out about Michael Vick. As you may know by now I wrote the book, Quarterback Keeper, about my 10 years of knowing Michael Vick personally. Recently I traveled to see friends and left my laptop exposed. Upon arrival back home I noticed that some of my files had been tampered with. Including the infamous naked picture of Vick that I wrote about in my book.

I wanted to let it be known that if the photo does come out publicly, that was never intended to. I still have my copy of the photo that I hold onto for self use, because Michael wanted me to have it.

If interested in the story behind it, let me know. Or feel free to use the info provided above.

Let’s… break this down:

I have something major that may come out about Michael Vick. As you may know by now I wrote the book, Quarterback Keeper, about my 10 years of knowing Michael Vick personally. 

Translation: Did you buy it? Because you should totally buy it.

Recently I traveled to see friends and left my laptop exposed.

Translation: That wasn’t the only thing left exposed. HEYYO!

Upon arrival back home I noticed that some of my files had been tampered with.

Translation: Upon arrival back home I noticed that some of my files had been tampered with.

Including the infamous naked picture of Vick that I wrote about in my book.

Translation: A reminder that I have in my possession a picture of Michael Vick’s dick, which I made infamous.

I wanted to let it be known that if the photo does come out publicly, that was never intended to.

Translation: It totally was.

I still have my copy of the photo that I hold onto for self use, because Michael wanted me to have it.

Translation: Masturbation. I masturbate to it.

If interested in the story behind it, let me know. Or feel free to use the info provided above.

Translation: I am available for interviews, but if you make fun of this email, I’m going to put you on blast.

Weirdly, this is better proactive PR than what we’ve ever seen from the Phillies. Bella at least can see a storm comin’ (cummin’?). But she made one crucial mistake: she didn’t bcc anyone. Just email addresses, floating into the inboxes of bloggers with little restraint. So… here are the media folks and outlets Bella thought would be interested in this development (or ones with which she’s previously communicated, because some of these are personal emails): Radar Online, Huffington Post, me, Perez Hilton, Atlanta Streetz, Daily Mail, JIMMY KEMPSKI, Star Magazine, and others. Oh, and you caught that, too? The part where the order goes: ME, Perez Hilton. That’s right, we now know who’s at the top of the athlete dick pic food chain. LET THE BIG DOG EAT.

And no, you’re still not seeing T.O.’s.