The Phillies are Reportedly Trying to Make all of Jonathan Papelbon’s Dreams Come True

Photo Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports
Photo Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Jonathan Papelbon wants to win. He’s never felt like a Phillie. He still feels like a member of the Red Sox in his heart. And Ruben Amaro just might just turn Papelbon back into the man he once was. according to Nick Cafardo of the Boston Globe:

Right now, and it may change, we’re not sure the Red Sox have a closer they can depend on. Koji Uehara’s velocity is down about 3 miles per hour across the board with his splitter and fastball. The Phillies are trying to hook the Red Sox on bringing back Jonathan Papelbon.

Cafardo might want to double check that his source is not just Papelbon faking Ruben’s voice on the phone. But if the call went, “Hi, this is definitely Ruben Amaro and I’m bad at my job doop doop doop, want Papelbon derp?” then you know it was Ruben.

Can we trade them Hamels as well?

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23 Responses

  1. Step the copy and paste game up! I wasn’t even trying to find this earlier and still saw it 2 or 3 hours before this post.

    1. Stop bitching. If you’re coming here for breaking news you’re in the wrong place. This is quality humorous writing,

      1. Stop shooting. If your coming here for quality humerus writing yore in the wrong palace. This is pour grammer and mispelled

    2. Who cares about anything but Marcus Mariota and Eagles. I feel a haunting if we dont get Mariota, I feel a haunting, I feel a haunting………….tic tic tic 4 hours later …….I feel a feel haunting.

      I am a lazy , boreass as a sports host.

    1. Yes, 20 people showed up. All employed by the show itself. They all got drunk and paid Nails to eat a dog turd.

  2. Ok, but Papelboners velo is down too. And he’s being paid as if he’s a #1 -#2 SP. I’m confused as to why the BoSox would even want him back???

    I think this may be wishful thinking.

  3. That last paragraph, Jim – you slay me! How funny, how witty! Papelbon putting on a fake Ruben voice? Classic. You are a delight, Jim. How do you do it? Hardy, har, har!!!!

  4. This is actually a pretty good idea, getting rid of Pap. We can potentially sign Uehara to a big deal now to really round out the bullpen.

    1. Closer go more unused on this team then fallopian tubes on a dyke. They need to do one thing…ONE THING.

      SHED. PAYROLL. NOW.

    1. Sweeten the deal with some Hamels, now you’re thinking. But Rube would go for many more prospects that never pan out before doing that. You know like all other prospects he’s brought on through trades. The only good trade was Worley for Revere that i can think of. Oh yeah and bringing Pence on board wasn’t dumb until he unloaded him for a bucket of crap.

      1. Rube logic: Trade for Hunter Pence, give up Singleton and Cosart.

        Trade Pence away, get back a catcher who can’t catch and a deaf outfielder that beats his wife.

        Strategery.

  5. All morning wasting time about a trip to islands to stake out the QB of our dreams. Even worse is that 12 year old they hire to talk about what’s trending and some bro in a booth.
    It’s hard to believe but the other station is talking more sports than the new one. Look the bottom line is pairing doesn’t work.

  6. The new mourning show on 97.5 . blowwwwwwwwwwsssssssssssssss. Jon Mark’s does a good impresson of a mime though.

  7. Ya know what would make this blog post even better? A screenshot of Papelbon’s e-mail inbox. Gold.

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