The Phillies Are so Awkward on Twitter

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The Phillies’ social media presence is like a sophomore with an overactive pituitary gland at a high school dance. Sure, he’s impressively-sized and a man amongst literal boys, but it’s just impossible for the girls to notice because he’s so. goddamn. awkward. What do I do with my hands? Should I just snap when they play the rap songs? Do we tweet out the contest rules when we’re only giving away a t-shirt?

Like our hypothetical student, the Phillies, thanks to their consecutive postseason runs – which just happened to coincide with the rise of Twitter – have the most dominant local following on the social network. But they don’t know what to do with it. The guy or girl or people who run their account should be fired or at least relieved of those specific duties. It’s that bad.

Today, though, their account actually showed a glimpse of personality when it retweeted a Tweet for National Jersey Day (which they’ve been overly hyping instead of, say, reminiscing about the fifth anniversary of Roy Halladay’s perfect game) containing a who wore it better? request from a fan who sent along two pictures: one of himself and one of a girl in a black bikini wearing an unbuttoned Phillies jersey. The winner was obvious.

Some, like (@FanSince09), who sometimes hates everything, thought the Phils’ response was in poor taste. I thought it was funny, even if it did open the kid up to the nearly one million mongrels who follow the Phillies (and now the mongrels in our comments). You be the judge:

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For once, they showed some actual wit. But, like everything else they do besides handing out ludicrously big contracts, the Phils were risk adverse and didn’t want to open themselves up to any scrutiny… so they deleted the Tweet, because the organization has the collective personality of your weird aunt who repurposes shuttlecocks for use as Christmas tree toppers. Oh no, the flaming pile of garbage we assemble on the field every night is one thing, but this Tweet, which dared to show the personality of warm-blooded human, will not stand. Fun police assemble! Would the LA Kings’ Twitter guy have deleted it? Absolutely not. Dude would’ve owned it. Doubled-down, even. That’s what all sports social media people should ask themselves– what would the LA Kings do? WWTLAKD? Or, hell, what would the Flyers or Sixers do? Their Twitter people kill it.

Any comedian will tell you that you can push the line, or even cross it, if you’re confident in what you’re saying [see Louis C.K. on SNL], but the minute you show weakness, then you just look like a creep or a bigot. In the case of our lanky high school kid, this is akin to walking up to the hot girl and grabbing her arm when Next’s Too Close comes on while stuttering in her ear, “Girl… you… know I… like… you… it! I like it!” He won’t get away with that. “EW!” will be the response. But if the jock did it, he’d own the comment, and Next thing he knows, he would be getting yelled at by some nun to “LEAVE ROOM FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT!”* The Phillies would never get that far– they’d just get slapped for being so damn awkward.

Bonus jam:

*I attended way too many Catholic school dances when I was young.

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14 Responses

  1. I was the social media coordinator for 4 years for a national mall retailer chain based in Egg Harbor Twp. where I kept over 4 million fans engaged and I must say…the Phillies presence is simply sad. I’m constantly checking their job postings hoping they list this position because I’d snatch it right up.

  2. A dude I know who works in local sports media knows the guys that run the Phillies Twitter account and told me that they are specifically directed NOT to post anything that could even remotely be offensive (meaning funny). They were probably reprimanded or even suspended for this. The Phillies are so out of touch with everything in sports today. Haven’t developed any talent from a draft since 2002

  3. “the Phillies … have the most dominant local following on the social network. …. The guy or girl or people who run their account should be fired.”

    Another CB classic. Fuck followers, what we need out of our social presence is to impress some mildly edgy guy with zero influence.

  4. It’s currently 12:50am,and I’m nose deep into my 3rd of 4 $20 bags of nose candy,and let me tell you all something,nose candy,jack Daniels and lesbian sistasgo together like hand n glove.

    1. Phil, when your septum breaks, remember that you can also shove your coke up your ass. Stevie Nicks and Lawrence Taylor did it for years

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