Huge win.

To the Droppings!

Carson City

Thoughts on Wentz here.

 

Crusher Doug

Once again, Doug turned in a masterful play-calling script right out of the gate. He eased Carson Wentz into the game against the Browns, starting off with a couple of Ryan Mathews runs, and one could’ve assumed that he would do the same against the Bears, on the road, on Monday Night Football. Nope. No-back sets, five wide, Wentz seemingly calling the routes from behind the line. The Eagles dictated the tempo right out of the gate. The gameplan wasn’t perfect – like last week, things slowed down during the middle of the first half and left you wondering where the script ran out and when Doug started calling plays on the fly – but by the time Trey Burton broke out into whatever the F this was in the third quarter…

… and Ryan Mathews was the beneficiary of this zany fake jet sweep…

… it was clear that Doug was fully in control.

What’s more, Doug’s not afraid to go for it on fourth down. Sure, that 4th and 2 call on the first drive was fairly obvious, but I’d argue many coaches would attempt the field goal on the road there. Going for it in the fourth – TWICE! – when an easy field goal* would put you up three scores? Straight-up batty! Not only did they go for it on 4th and 2 and not get it, but a Bears penalty allowed Doug to sling his D and go for it again on 4th and 1 (it had nothing to do with Sturgis’ lady cramps because he kicked the ensuing extra point), leading to that Mathews touchdown. It turns out, a big dick trumps big balls, making the this name well-earned:

By the end of the night, Jon Gruden was basically cumming himself over the sheer volume of Big Dick’s offensive sets. The offense is slow, rhythmic, and diverse. Crusher Doug is like the anti Chip Kelly in that regard. Where Chip was breathless and one-dimensional and used what worked for him in college – the jackhammer – Doug has a vast array of offensive sets and maneuvers at his disposal, a Kama Sutra-like playbook filled with the weird, wacky and sensual. Gruden literally had his noodle crimped over Big Dick Doug and the Two-Handed Monster*:

*If that’s not an adventure tale waiting to happen, I don’t know what is!

 

GRUDDOG

Excellent, as usual. The pool noodle was fun, but I preferred his stone-cold response to Sean McDonough (also great!) describing his revelation about protecting the Duke:

 

Dorenbos

 

What the hell is going on with Mike Ditka?

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If you looked closely, you could see a bunch of rogue hairs on his neck. Just gross.

 

B-roll

ESPN went with the Chicago deep dish shots, narrowly edging out footage of gang shootings and that dumb theater for b-roll footage. Suddenly, the cheesesteak shots in Philly don’t seem so bad.

 

Malcolm Jenkins’ protest

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It was fine, but somewhat of a letdown given how much Jenkins hyped it up and the fact that no one of consequence joined him (I was rooting for Caleb Sturgis and his dumb kicker face just for sheer absurdity). I wish Jenkins would have owned it, though, and put up a fist after he sacked Cutler. That would’ve been enjoyable.

For what it’s worth– when Jenkins put his fist in the air, there was an audible groan at Charlie’s in Somers Point, where I was watching the game. GREAT WINGS!

 

Offensive line

What on Earth happened to Jason Kelce? I think most of us were willing to write off the errant snaps last year as a fluke, but he’s downright bad at times. Still misses on some snaps, but now he’s added dumb penalties to his repertoire. Nothing like a back-to-back holding-face mask to neuter a drive, negating this balls-forward throw to Brent Celek:

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As the chuckleheads on ESPN would say, COME ON, MAN!

Meanwhile, Jason Peters, who also took a penalty, looks like he’s lost a step and is cresting on his steep decline that will end in debilitating injury which will make us hate Lane Johnson that much more.

Oh and hey, FUCK LANE JOHNSON!

 

Trey Burton

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That’s a live look at me after Burton scored his touchdown, because I had the improbable Wentz-Burton double stack in Draft Kings. If Burton had scored three touchdowns, I probably would’ve won $50k. Alas. I was just happy that my confidence that Burton would fill Zach Ertz’s passing role played out as expected.

 

Protect yourself, 1 1:

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This can’t happen.

 

Throwing into the line

Wentz only did it once last night. Much improved from the Browns game.

 

Drops

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Photo credit: Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports

Shaking my damn head.

 

That crowd tho

 

I’d argue that Jay Cutler also has a vagina

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https://twitter.com/DanSaysThat/status/778077758127796225

Cutler left the game with a thumb injury.

 

Sproles turf

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I could watch Sproles tearing up the turf all day. Did the Bears borrow the grass from Beetlejuice?

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Fashion Police

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Postgame Live made a big deal out of Wentz’s suit, but I’m pretty sure it’s the exact same one he wore to travel to Chicago. Can’t do that. Gotta get two suits.

 

Postgame Live

The new show sucks. Ed Rendell being off in a corner by himself is the worst thing that could’ve happened. He was actually good on set, because his absurd presence kept things light and fun. Now he’s just an old guy ranting about things with no interaction. Keep Barrett, and replace Seth Joyner, who always looks sad, with Gov. That’ll liven things up on that set.

 

A few more pinches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Steelers next week. Fly now.